Fear and Freedom

I have to chuckle a bit after reading the last post. Somehow I thought I would find the time to write in the maelstrom that is life on the road. It feels as if I wrote that post months past and a minute ago. And tomorrow it is time to head back South, somewhat weary from the time away but also very very changed.


The last few weeks have solidified some very important beliefs that Tim and I hold, the most important being that we have to move. Not want to, not going to, but HAVE to. It was a multi-purpose trip with riding and family and yoga but the crux was spending time in our future home to make sure it should be our Future.


What we found still makes me smile. The people at the checkout counter smiled and took moments for conversation or to speak with our boys. The ice cream shop teenagers asked my kids which color spoon they preferred. The library has felt boards and tolerant smiles and The New Yorker shelved right next to Farm and Grain and Organic Homesteading. It felt like our Utopia.



Sure, people still cut each other off a bit and snarls of traffic could be found in some places. But it did not feel hick or wrong or closed. It felt right. And the homes we were able to visit sealed the deal, places with some breathing room and old oaks and veggie plots, one was even right next to a family winery (which might be a dangerous situation if the tasting room is open frequently). We did not find our home but I instead we found our Place, and the home will follow.


So now, to take the plunge. There are 5 PT positions open in the very nearby area, my parents are eager to move and the house we live in is (almost) in a salable condition. My heart squeezes and thumps harder as I write this but it feels possible.


I did a full day of yoga on Thursday, it just so happened a HUGE yearly festival coincided with out return this week. I worked through three 2 hour classes over the course of the day and still feel a bit hobbled. But I will tell you, each class I chose did something to me. One literally churned my insides, teaching me to reshape my inner body and strength to support the outer. One taught me to fly on the backs and hips and hands of other yogis. And the last gave insight into teaching and branding yoga and all the nuances that exist as the practice of yoga moves into common consciousness.


During my Acroyoga class the tiny full voiced teacher Jenny discussed the form with us. We spoke of releasing fear and her comment still sits in my heart today. "Fear and Freedom are two sides of the same Coin". And they are. I would like to think I am listening carefully enough to the Universe and its message. And though we have to return much deeper south than I would prefer, I want to continue to stoke this fire and freedom as we thread back into our lives in our current Home.

So many memorable moments from the trip but for now I just want to marinate in this newly found conviction.

Thai massage demo. That was some yoga day, let me say. Also, I discovered I can do this to Tim. And that makes me feel so powerful and him so loved.

From the Road

Sheepishly trying to jump back in ...

It is mid-July and we are in the first few days of our long weeks away. We worked our asses off for this, juggling the boys and the stress and trying to remain calm and trying to get all the proverbial ducks in a row before leaving.

For once I finished every bit and speck of paperwork and left the office Wednesday free of work laptop and work obligations, shedding the layers of patient care and responsibility gratefully. Instead we hauled a big box containing our new HP faux-iMac up on which I type right now. I am deeply in love with it already.

We are planning days here at Tahoe where Tim will ride and ride and shed some of the layers of stay-at-home-dad-starting-a-fledgling-business-in-his-'spare'-time. I will try to hold my sanity as I spend the days with my energetic and lovely but often trying boys. I will also seriously contemplate checking them into the Northstar Kids Day Camp even if it stretches the budget.

This is the place we want to be forever, not Tahoe proper but its rolling foothills, sitting at the base of our very favorite place on Earth. So we will go down the hill and talk to our realtor and search the area for our new home and our new jobs and new schools. It is so scary to say that out loud but I know now is the time to just say it. When we hit the Right Place on the 80 we both looked at each other and smiled because it felt like coming home. And there is just no denying it anymore.

So we will play for a few weeks with a few obligations here and there. And I hope to muster up some writing around here with all this spare time, my trial of Lightroom, my trusty camera and acres of pretty things to look at.

These pictures were my first foray into using Lightroom, a program I think I am going to love. I like how it made the mundane moments before vacation still seem a little bit special.

An Open Letter to the Father of my Children

Hey there, pardner.

I apologize in advance as I am feeling kinda' sentimental today. Also, I didn't get you anything for Father's Day so I want to make it up to you...


Your Birthday 2011

So, a few years ago you became a dad. Let's make that capital DAD, and it has been more than a few years. Four, to be exact. And you came into it with twins so therefore it was with guns blazing. From Day 1 you have done 50% and sometimes more. 2 years ago you became a Stay At Home and there has yet to be a moment that I have had doubt.

You do it differently than I, this parenting thing. You do not yell as much but you also do not cook as much. You take them to the park for three hours while my limit is 60 minutes. You teach them about tools and wood and outside stuff. You eschew routine but get them to school on time when I cannot. You hold them gently when they need and they turn to you at least 50% of the time if not more.

You have always been my equal in parenting but no one else can be their Dad. You were meant for them and they for you. You teach them daily what it is to be male, to be a good man and they learn by your very example. They learn to be kind and quiet, withholding judgement and anger. They learn to lead by example and be strong in a different way than they might learn from another man. And I know these lessons will serve them well as they walk into life, they will become men that hold deep respect for their lives, their wives and their world. And you teach them that.


Boys June 2008


All my boys 2008


I had no idea what kind of father you would be, you the young guy that would never hold the babies I thrust at you to help you 'practice'. You told me once you did not feel comfortable because they were not yours. And yet, the day they handed you a 4 pound child you just did it, myconium dipe and all. And have never stopped. You can kiss any booboo, wipe any butt explosion and do bedtime and storytime better than the rest. And now I can watch you hold your nieces, look these new babies in the eye and show all that you have become in the last 4 years in those moments.

You are better than me, you are more than I could ever ask for, you are beautiful in your ways, in your unique and perfect ways. The only thing I would wish for you is this; remember you are important. You are their Father but also more than just that. You deserve time for Yourself, time on your bike flowing with your trails, time in your shop making your beauty, time to be You. Tim, not just dad. You have the job down, boy, and you will never ever be laid off, I promise. Remember your promise to me, 21 days on your bike. Remember that you are loved no matter what.

And last but certainly not least, remember that I know these things every day not just today.


Boys June 2011


All my boys 2011

I love you, MCD. You hold more than just my heart now. You hold theirs.

Wahe Guru

Something happened to me today. And it was wonderful.

Ten days ago I made a committment to practice yoga for 21 days. Every day. The decision was prompted by a Yoga Journal article from January of this year. I skimmed it and realized I needed to do this. And so I embarked on daily yoga practice. I did not think it would be such a big deal. I usually take 3 or 4 classes a week, have practiced in some form since I was about 10.



I was so wrong.

I am in Day 10 and something happened to me today that has not happened in a very long time.



I finished my asana practice and settled in to savasana, relaxing into meditation state. I was listening to a beautiful piece called Wahe Guru by Mantra Girl. And then I felt it. You can call it prana or qi or Life force but it began to resonate in my hands, my hands open at my sides as I lay supine. It built, the heat and life. I felt it and tentatively invited it in and then it moved slowly, waves of it up through my wrists and then through the crook of my slightly bent elbows, up through my biceps and the hollow of my armpit and the waves from each arm met and crested and enveloped my heart, pulsing with more than beats now.

I was weeping, completely present and completely overwhelmed. And I felt a connection that I have not felt in many many years. A connection to everything, and then to Nothing. The song faded out and I slowly came to sitting and gratefully curled forward, bowing namaste to the trees framed by the window in the room where I was practicing.



I came out to my boys, usually so animated, quietly playing with legos. Tim was on an errand and I just sat with them, letting the experience settle into me, expecting it to go. And yet it stayed, has stayed, I can feel it this minute while I type.

I looked up the Sanskrit translation of Wahe Guru, it means 'Wonderful Teacher', interpreted sometimes as god. I realize I want to feel that way everyday, every moment but there is also the realization that I am not sure I could remain that open and function. I am glad to know where to find it again, to fill the well.



Getting on the mat daily, practicing the asanas I love and also the ones I hate has shifted something inside of me. It is making me a diffrent person. I feel both frightened and encouraged by this as I feel it strip away and strengthen the core, not just the physical one but also the one that lies at the very heart of my Self.

Daily yoga is directly changing my life right now. A part of me is astonished that it took me so long to find this shift. Another part wants to learn Sanskrit. And another is just so grateful for those moments today.