Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Second month

Oh, what do I say, my blue eyed sons?
Oh, what do I say, my darling young ones?

It looks like you both will be holding the blue in your eyes, despite both Daddy and Mama being hazel. It looks like you have no problem with growing, but definite issues with taking naps. And it looks like your Mama vastly underestimated just how hard the world of Mama-hood would be. In her somewhat cheeky ways, she anticipated she could do this with ease. This month taught your Mama she can do this, but not with ease. The only thing EASY is that f---ing routine your Mama is trying to keep you on.

My boys, your Mama absolutely loves you, but she has discovered in this second month

that there are no breaks from Motherhood. She has learned that, you, Mason, you do not like closing your eyes. The way you look at everything with utter absorption and fascination, your eyes wide, then wider, then scary wide until you max out and finally relinquish your hold on the world. And sleep….for a few minutes. And Owen, you can wake gently, eyes open and handsome face calm. But if there are hunger pains or that awful refluxy stuff, you wake screaming like you have been jabbed in the leg with a hot poker. And Mama learned she better have those bottles ready and waiting because there is no time with two screaming hungry babies to think, much less use those stupid measuring vials she started with.

She learned that beast milk is good, but sanity is even better. That the pump was becoming her ‘triplet’ baby and it was not going to work anymore. And she is currently learning how painful weaning is. Though the torpedo tit look has definite possibilities for getting her pin-up girl status, if she had the energy to dress in sexy clothes.

The month has brought eye contact with all of us, Mama and Daddy, your Omi and Opa and all your aunties and uncles. And now both of you are so good at finding our voices when we speak. Daddy comes home and instantly those four blue eyes go darting, seeking that familiar face, that dear and beloved face that Mama turns to, somedays desperately, and somedays with a grateful smile.

Mama has learned in these four weeks that your Daddy is a problem solver. She may try to set the routine, but he improves it and refines it and gently reminds your hyper (hyperactive, hypervigilant, just plain hyper) Mama that it is all okay, the Beans are okay, we are okay. And he knows how to listen, that man, oh he listens. And he loves me and the two of you so much. To hear him sing to you, making up silly little ditties for you in his slightly off-key voice, my heart swells and then melts and then fills. And so this month I have learned that I cannot exist without him. But then, I have always known that.

This second month has bonded you to me, buried you deeply into every aspect of my
life. It is hard, yes, this thing called Motherhood. I have cried, wept really, different tears than those ones after you were born. Those I could not control or predict, these I feel well up and spill over despite trying to hold them back and be strong. Not grief, but, yes, in some way grieving. Because as your Mama I assume that role first and always. And it means that the girl/woman from before is not first, maybe not even around. You can’t have it all, sister…that is what my Self has realized. But knowing and acknowledging this is empowering and helps the tears dry up.

And so, my boys, the honeymoon is over, but the adventure, well, that has just begun. And your Mama loves you, loves you so very much. Kisses.


Lola and Ava said...

They look adorable (even more so since they aren't mine), and I think you hit motherhood on the head. My only saving grace with the girls was my mother taking them for a week every six weeks. I was a senior in college, and I getting all my work done was challenging. Without that help, I would have gone insane. Now, with 16-year-olds, I want to hit whomever talked me out of boarding school :)

kathy in juneau said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.(Yes, VK is Vogue Knitting, though I think the pattern may also be available form Schoolhouse Press, if you're interested.)

That you even have time to read blogs with two, TWO new babes at home astounds me. They're beautiful. I love the 20 toes photo!

Bea said...

Owen and Mason look so great! You obviously are an awesome mommy. I totally understand what you mean when you talked about always being the Mama first. When our boys are so young, it hits you that you can't eat/pee/knit/shop without first negotiating/considering the needs of your little ones, and somedays it's ok, and somedays you just want to scream in frustration, because you want to just have 10 minutes in the shower without worrying about the wee ones. It's really hard not being the center of your own universe, but now you are the center of O and M's universe, and when they get a little older, and start giving you those real, huge smiles, and you see them growing, and starting to roll over, and crawl, it's totally worth it. And you're right about sanity being the best thing, with twins, you probably have such little time to yourself, and what O and M want/need the most is for you to be sane, so you can be the best mommy to them. Good luck, and who says sweatpants and unwashed hair ain't sexy!

BethAnn said...

I cant help be drawn to your blog and transfixed by your words! They inspire and motivate me! You are amazing, all i can say is thank you for sharing your mind with us all. I am due in about 3 weeks with my first and i cant wait!

Rae said...

Beautiful boys, beautiful words, beautiful photos, beautiful Mama. This is the part that is hardest, adjusting, getting used to serving 24/7. You are coming through it so well! Loving your husband, writing it all down! The routine is hard but it will flex and work... I'm so happy for you. It was so hard for me the first time, I can't imagine doing it with two... you are a wondermom.