One Special Knit

Most of my knits have a story. Sometimes it is a fairly simple one, along the lines of “saw it on Ravelry and had to have it right now”. But many of them mean a little bit more to me and as I make them, wind the yarn, pull through each stitch, I think about the story, the person who will be on the other end of the giving.



This knit has a rather long story, years long actually. Back in my early days of knitting, pre-kids, pre-even entertaining the idea of kids, I bought a book full of the sweetest children’s knits. It is called Adorable Knits for Tots by Zoe Mellor, and though the patterns are a bit laborious, it holds many lovely little pieces. The time for children was coming, imminent really, but in those days I just paged through the book, imagined knitting patterns, trying to see what my child would look like in knits.


I fell in love with the many cabled projects in the book and picked a few that I knew I would love knitting. Cabling was fairly new to me then, these vests were the first ones I tried without a cable needle. I knit the first one and put it away, only knitting the second after I found out we were having twins. I was lucky to have enough yarn to finish a second. It is what they wore when they met Santa for the first time.

But my first love in the book was a hooded heavily cabled jacket, I do not know if it was the knit or the curly headed child wearing it that made me long to make it. The Robin Hood Jacket called my name.



I ordered the yarn, the gorgeous Rowan Cork that they cruelly discontinued. I held onto those 7 skeins like precious stones, stacked carefully in my wall cubbies. Sometimes I looked at them and studied the pattern, but I never did knit it up. The boys were born and time passed along. I only had enough yarn for one and I could not imagine the making of one without the other…they notice things like that now.

A few months ago I read a post from Jess and then I knew what I was going to do with that precious yarn. And so I finally cast on for the sweater that I had dreamed of making for my little one.



And as I knit each stitch I thought about a lot of things. About a little girl who might need something to snuggle under as cooler weather comes and her birthday approaches. A Mama I have yet to meet, but want to hug more every day, want to hold carefully and give anything I can to assuage some of her hurting. A loss that is so difficult to comprehend and accept, a loss of such a girl to such a family.

Knitting is so intimate and loving, it means so much to me in so many ways. As I watched the boys dance around and run in the cool morning air, snapping away with my camera to capture this knit…to capture them…I remembered those days; pre-them, pre-Mamahood, pre-twins. That time when my child was only imagined, when I looked at those glossy pictures with little ones in little knits and wondered ‘curly or straight’, ‘boy or girl’. I never dreamed of twins, never saw into the looking glass of my future children in that way.



And now they are here, boys running and climbing and gently caring for a baby doll that is going home with the cabled sweater. I will knit them different cable sweaters soon, but this one is going the place it should. It is so hard to know what to offer. I have thoughts and prayers and hopes for a grieving family. And I have yarn and stitches and physical warmth to give. But I wish I had something else…something more. For now, I know it will go to the home where it is needed and maybe give something more.



The Whitt family is leaving soon, not in a jet plane, but a large RV that will take them around our country, a few months away from the place that must hold so many many things for them. If you know Tuesday’s story from reading here, you might consider stopping by Jess’s blog and giving a bit to the journey. The original plan is posted here…they may not be writing “fuck Cancer” on the side of the borrowed bus, but sometimes I wish they could.

A WINNER and a Garden

MARNIE!
You won! I think it must have been the ten entries. Smile.

Thank you so much to everyone that donated to the Tuesday Blog Party. It sounds like it brought in a good chunk of change to be given towards the research of neuroblastoma. It is not a fair disease, it is one that now strikes terror in my heart when I hear it applied and it is something that I hope one day will be eradicated. If you missed out on the happenings, I just thought I would let you know there is one more giveaway going on. If you go here, you can bid on a chance to win HUGE prizes, one in Colorado, one in Florida. The 'donation' is considerably more than one dollar, but it is also a considerably larger prize. Do check it out if you are interested in giving and winning.

Things round here are starting to assume a bit more routine and allowing some time to create, but that is a later post. The main happening here is the garden. I am not a big one for gifting and so Mama's day held a little late afternoon labor from the strong men in my life, they worked a piece of the backyard into a beautiful and more accessible space and it is by far the nicest gift to give.





We have been working on the backyard progressively, trying to utilize hard scape that has been scattered throughout after years of accumulation, trying to tame but also honor all of my mother's beautiful plantings and trying to grow food.

In our house the food growth needs to resemble food production considering the number of mouths to feed so we went with three raised beds with a plan to extend a bed all the way up a hill/fence in order to utilize upward growth. The beds have been in for a month but I took my time filling them, though it was less of a planning thing and more of a time thing. I started a lot from seed, but we also gathered up some heirloom tomatoes in 4" pots to kick start the tomato section. We scattered tons of carrot seed under the tomatoes as they are good companion plants. The carrots are round Romeros and they are pictured on the package as these cute little balls when ready. The front bed is devoted to greens, lots of chard, lettuce mixes, collard greens and beets interspersed with parsley and marigold to attempt to deter those nasty plant eating buggies.


The top bed is a combo of beans and squash and cucumbers and small melons.



We purchased a 7$ concrete grid to place on the wall to allow all the plants to grow upright with maximum stability. I wish I could remember the website where I found this suggestion...it is one of my favorite parts as it blends into the wood fence. You can find them in the building section at any Home depot.


I plan on moving the greens to a few large barrels in a shady location once the real heat starts, that way we can be sure of having fresh greens through all seasons. The barrels recently opened up as we began planting our fruit orchard. Right now it is mainly citrus and a mature plum, but we plan on turning a small front yard patch into a stone fruit area and then we should be set for fruit...in a few years. The plums look really healthy this year and my brother just bought a home complete with a huge apricot and a thriving blackberry so canning looks good for this summer season.

There is something about the growing, something I think we are all re-connecting with at some level in recent years. It is not just a way to save, it is a way to understand and appreciate where all this food comes from. We have had such a severe disconnect from food sources, it seems almost magical to watch seed move to sprout to leaf and finally to food.

Though this process is millenial old, and would likely occur without any human intervention, the role I have right now as 'gardening Mama' thrilling.

The other thrill?


Watching my boys start to eat veggies because they had a part in growing and cooking them.


Now that is good stuff.

For the Mamas

Of course, every day is a day for Mamas. Every day you have one or you are one or you need one.



Every day you might turn to yours and hold her or argue with her or wish you had a little more time for her.



I do not mind having a day when it is about them, us, her. It is nice to have a day, arbitrary as it may be. Especially when it involves hand made cards with real sentiment, blue sky and cool air in a new backyard,


And lots of quiche. Mmmm. Quiche.


The wonderful thing about a day like this is it gives you time.

Time to realize the privilege involved with this role. The give and take, the push and pull, the ebb and flow. And so if you are a Mama, thank you for all that you do. And if you have a Mama to hug, I send a little bit of love your way to make that hug just a bit stronger, longer and tighter. There is one Mama I think of often, she is Jessica, Tuesday's mama. There is a very special blog event going on right now for Jess and her family, a way to physically provide support to them. Her awesome online friends have arranged an innovative way to give. You can go here....

and give.

Give one dollar, give 10, give what you can. Then scroll down to all the links and find one that looks good and leave a comment on that blog to be entered in their giveaway. And there is some good stuff. You can enter here too. I am giving away a onesie with a hand embroidered emblem and a pair of the lovely soft cotton pants I have made for the boys multiple times.


Here is a similar set to give you an idea.

They are not made yet so if you enter and win you can request a boy or girl colorway for your little. I guess-timate that the size is 6-10 months. I will whip it up (ahem, maybe not whip, but it will get done) and you will not only gain a sweet outfit but also know that your support is felt by a family that needs it. So please, go and donate then come back here and leave a comment and I will draw a name on Wednesday morning. Because we have to do what we can when we know a Mama that has lost. Just one way we can give.

Wagie Ride For Tuesday

Today was a wonderful day.


Some of you are aware that Tuesday's family requested that people come out to participate in a 'Wagie' Ride in Tuesday's name to celebrate her life. Though Colorado was too far for us, we decided to have a ride here, near home, to be part of the family and friends that gather to support the Whitt family.


It was looking a little grim as we had near constant pouring rain from Thursday on. This morning the pounding rain had stopped and the clouds were parting a bit. Tim dried off the wagie and we loaded up two cranky molar-teething-slightly-cabin-fevered kids and set out with the Meesh.



And it turned into the best experience we have had in a long time. Our wandering brought us to our favorite parks, to the coolest of old cars, to wet fields and challenging play sets. A chance meeting with the spiffy LVFD truck, the guys stopped and flashed the lights for the boys and let them get close and see a real fireman. Up hills and down hills, for over an hour we roamed our neighborhood, the two of us watching the two of ours.


And knowing in our hearts that this is the biggest blessing that has ever been given. And thinking of the joy and vibrant life little Tuesday lived while she was with us.

And as we headed downhill towards home, the clouds began to roll back in, the source of life giving water that we so need.

And I could see the blessings all around. And then we brought the boys in for a much needed nap and I held my little one and cried awhile. Because tears and joy can exist in the same space.

I felt with them in spirit and yet so solidly here with my own. Watching them through the lens brings home who they are and what they have become in our lives. The wagie ride for her was also a wagie ride for us. A fitting tribute to a little one that brought such light to my life in the time I had to know her.


How was your wagie ride if you had one? I would love to hear about it.

Tuesday

There are many many opinions about blogging, so many blogs I do not even know about, have never found and never will. There are real women I have met because of clicking a link, there are women reading this right now who will never comment or talk to me or meet me in real time. There are people seeking and finding, judging and ranting, communicating or bragging. There are beautiful photos and children and ideas and families and thoughts. There is a whole world of words.

I did not expect to have this outlet in my life, found it due to the whimsy of knitting. I delved deeply into the lives of other knitters, found their lives fascinating and joined in.

Over time I made contact, tentative. I found a voice to use, one I have been reassured is my own. I sought and found other Mamas like me, quantified as "First Time Mothers of Twin Boys Born In April of 07 and Learning the Ropes while Juggling Me". I branched out from these Mamas, found good fits and ill fits in the blogs I frequented.

Then I found Her because She talked about her raw and striking photos. I listened to her story of a twin boy, her LostBaby and I cried a lot when I read Kate's words because they strike the bone. Hard. And then make you laugh. I read here when it was set up for other Mamas of Lost ones. And then found Her because of her shattering writing, her cohesive writing, her provoking funny writing. And then I found Her because of her Daughter's battle against a terrifying disease. And now she is A BabyLost Mama, and I sit grappling with how I came to be so very wounded by this loss.

If I had not read Kate, I might have despaired even deeper in the throes of post baby depression and lost sight of what a missed nap really means. If I had not met Bon, I could not have knit her little one a hat. If I had not met Tuesday, I would have missed out on the most precious Warrior baby child...the most beatific Soul, the light of Many eyes and Hearts. I am not sure of the wound left, know mine is nothing in light of her Mama's and her family. But there is a reason. Isn't there? That we find each other in these ways? If I had not met Jessica Kate, I would not know what a true Mama Warrior looked like. And it is something I have never seen, her grace and strength and love.

It may not seem like much, words at a time like this. When lost ones are not mine. When all sense seems gone. I do not regret the finding of these women. And I so so regret that Tuesday died. Because there are no words for a baby lost. Just prayers.

Tuesday Fiona Whitt
10-11-06 1-30-09

with her twin Piper

For Tuesday

I pray sometimes. Actually, I find I pray more than I like to admit. I ascribe to no religion but have a deep faith, in Prayer, in Life, in the Power we hold as beautiful beings that can move mountains.

I have prayed a lot for Tuesday. Some of you have met her through me, I met her because of some of you. And now, she has battled and struggled and been terribly wounded by her cancer. And her family needs our prayers, however you offer them.

I have no other words. No words other than the fact that my heart breaks and bleeds for this family and I can only think to ask for your prayers. For Tuesday, who I have come to love via written word and captured images on a screen. And for all that she is and will be.

Please {Pray}

You must send this Mama Warrior your love. You must. Tuesday and her family need your thoughts and wishes for her new year to be the best ever. Thank you.