Blogher11 :: Unmoored

Last year I attended the annual Blogher conference in NYC, my first. I posted about it the day after and I still feel strongly in my conclusion that Blogher is whatever you make it to be.

I went to Friday of the conference this year and I do want to speak of the experience but cautiously, very cautiously. Because for me this year felt totally different and although not terrible, I am not putting 'different' into the 'better' category.


Let me say this; I do think tacking on a conference that entails the gathering of three thousand women at the end of a three week journey may have been a bit much. I feel like I entered the space already exhausted, not energized or enthused about blogging. And Blogher is really about just that, women blogging. The conference has grown exponentially and with it the topics, the numbers and the sponsers. There was a lot going on and information and people speeding by at a rapid pace. And stuff, so much stuff.

There was also a few intimate moments meeting the ones I love to read and know online and letting their physical person take shape in my life, getting that hug and learning little bits of information that rarely slip out online in our measured blog posting and twitter clips. But when these things happened in the quiet of a hotel room or at the edge of a pool, both places not technically included in the conference space, well, that was when I have to question just why I am there.


I found the pace and information and the sheer seas of people to be too much for me this year. I found difficulty staying in it and wanting to stay in it and I actually ended up leaving Friday evening, calling my lovely husband who was juggling the boys that day and asking him to grab me early and bring me back to our little rental cabin thingy where the boys were wreaking havoc and there was a horizontal space to lay my head. I did stay to see the one part of Blogher that I think remains true to the initial spirit and purpose of blogging, the Voices of the Year speakers.

I listened to Bon and Kate read and then listened to other women speak their written words and cried and laughed (hard) and then cried again. That part will always be like that, I think. That part is the reason why I read and sometimes write in today's blogging world. You should read that part, and you can here, but man, it was good to hear the words spoke clearly and purposefully by their creators.

I did attend the Thursday night parties which were low key, except for the seven feet in heels drag queens wandering the halls.

I did wander through the Expo hall where the sponsors set up booths to entice and engage the bloggers. For me it was definitely zoo-like. The Jimmy Dean sun guy from the commercials was there, there was a lot of sausage, some free Dove bars .... a lot more, oh lord, a lot more. I think so far as I dig down into the bag of swag which followed me home, I have yet to find anything that I would buy, endorse. I did get a free copy of this book by these ladies, the book went promptly to my newly pregnant friend and I do hope it is a help or at least a laugh as she navigates this new part of life.

I think what I am trying to say is that this year I realized Blogher is not for me. I don't believe I will take my dollars, hard earned that they are, and direct them towards another weekend next year. Not because there is anything fundamentally wrong with Blogher or sponsers, not that there is anything wrong with me or the way I choose to blog. Mainly because we are not a great fit, Blogher and I. I would rather hoard those dollars so that on some future weekend I can travel to new place that holds old friends where there is no session schedule or party to make but just people and tea and couches and drinks. All the laughs and fun that happen at Blogher but scaled down to just the people and not why they blog or if they make money or do it right but instead what they love and believe in and plant and think and do.

I will say, there was a great moment where I received a detailed description from this lovely woman about how to bale hay and dispose of feral kittens and that was pretty cool (please say that like Miley Cyrus as you read those words because that is how we use them around this household and it makes us laugh every time).

But hell, who knows, now that it is NYC again I might just use it as an excuse to travel, not buy a ticket and just crash people's hotel rooms.

Adios to another Blogher.

It was a Good Trip

It was a good trip but now we are home again. So quickly we fall back into the routine of life; watering the garden, messing up every room in the place, returning to the work of patient care. Forgetting.

It was hard to leave Sunday, we lingered in Auburn, having lunch and walking around the wooden sidewalks, stopping into the antique store, the Alehouse.

It was hard to plunge back into the steamy swampy heat that summer has become in the Los Angeles basin. Sticky and uncomfortable, running the AC that night because we needed some sleep.

A part of me wants to run back North right away, just do it now. I miss it already. I miss knowing my sisters are close enough to reach in 6 hours, not 13. I miss the sunset there. I miss the hikes with family. I miss it all.


Monday I went into the office to pick up my laptop and muster up some home care patients, in need of work and money. And I had a sit down with my supervisor and let her know that I am going to apply for jobs North, unsure of timing but sure of the change. She was supportive and assured me that she would not fire me in the meantime, so that is good. And in that moment I knew we were committed. That we are not waiting until next year or 'maybe soon' or 'someday'. I know that it is time to do it now. So scary but so cool too.

Big changes make me think of the movie 'What About Bob'. Baby steps. Baby steps to the computer to fill out the system application. Baby steps to the de-cluttering of stuff. Baby steps will eventually get us the 500 or so miles North, back to the place we want to call Home.

Then I always inevitably think of the scene where Bob is tied to the boat mast, arm spread joyously shouting "Look at me! I'm a sailor! I sail!'. And he got their via Baby Steps.
(God, I love that movie. Bill Murray, he is just brill.)

But first, this weekend we will play hooky for a bit, heading down to San Diego for a few days of equanimous weather that stays in the 65-72 degree range without fail. Legoland calls, then Blogher 2011 to see the lovely friends that live too far away no matter what point West, to play in the beach sand and watch sea animals and listen friends speak their amazing words and then it will be time to come home and declare an end to all the dallying and just get to it.

A little recap of our trip as a reminder to me that we need to do this and a little glimpse for you as to where you will find us in the near future.




And a big smile to any new people that found their way here via Blogher. Feel free to come along as we take this new ride in Life. :) xo amiee

Words ARE Power

I mentioned that I had an opportunity to meet Karen Walrond. She photoblogs at Chookooloonks and uses it for much more than photos. I first found her because of Andrea Scher from Superhero Journal. Andrea is my personal dreaming Muse, an example of a person dreaming in action and sharing it every step of the way. I love this group of blogging women for their ability to harness and share their energy and I find endless inspiration in their message.

When I realized Karen was at the conference I got a little giddy and nervous. She happened to be part of the Friday night Gala event, a interactive party with stations for people to participate in the art showing. I love stuff like that, when we as viewer are drawn deeper into the experience via sharing. Karen was writing messages on the arms and necks and hands of women and I slipped into line to wait.


I was not having a good day. Bad hangover + city dwelling + nerves = Not so great. There was a woman in line ahead of me and I remember thinking I have to talk to someone or I am going to start sobbing (thanks to the Keynote, I had already released the floodgates). I asked her if I could take her picture while Karen wrote on her and she was lovely and said yes.




Her name is Dana, I discovered she has twins plus two more and I know now she is my friend for life and that it was no accident that I turned to her. She blogs at FeastafterFamine and absolutely shone under Karen's hand.





Then it was my turn and I got the hug I so desperately needed but when Karen asked me what I wanted on me I could only think....Shit, I am going to start crying. shit shit shit. Her energy is beyond and it was like a embrace from my mom and I could not find words.

Then she asked me what I like to do, what I am and I said .... "I make things". And that is what we went with. And by the last letter, I somehow felt better.




I had been telling people all day who had no idea what I do, where I blog, or who I am about my online space. I always just ended up saying, "Ah, I make a lot of stuff". Articulate, I know. But it was articulate when it was placed on my arm.



I did not stay much longer at the Gala. I grabbed a few more shots of the art and places that were set up so lovingly for us.










And then I scooted to the lobby to catch the train downtown. But before I was out I ran into Dana by the exit doors and we had a few more minutes to find that connection and acknowledge that we are part of the same tribe, I felt it click in my heart when the words " twins garden tribe cameras " tumbled out of both of our mouths.

And then I went back to my old neighborhood, my old apartment at 151 Ridge Street below Houston between B and C and I marveled at the gentrification of a place I once called home.







But that, my friends, is a story for another day.

(Just realized my one week in NYC has given me fodder for weeks and weeks of blogs posts.... sweet).

P.S :: If you have time please follow the link to the Community Keynight blog posts. They are literally stunningly breathtakingly good.

P.P.S :: The full Flickr set is HERE for Blogher10 FRiday.

Re-entry

When I arrived home last night my boys were asleep. I crawled into the queen size bed that they share and studied their sleeping forms, laying in abandon in that sweet limp state. They had arms intertwined and heads on the same pillow and I sighed at the deliciousness. I breathed in the air of home and settled.

This week has brought about a profound change to my life and this cannot be denied. As a result this space is likely to change and move deeper into directions I have been shy of exploring. Shy of claiming. Shy of sharing.

I had left NYC in '98, 22 years old and ready to say goodbye. That City, she can be a bitch. I walked back into that same pulsing energy that is NY last Wednesday and felt almost crippled as I found that 22 year old woman/child/me on every familiar street, every corner store. I felt acutely invisible, bereft of my Tribe, swimming in a sea of a city where I had once lived as a long-term (and somewhat reluctant) visitor.

The first two days were hell in many ways and I thought about getting on the plane back home more than once. But I came through to the other side, just in time to truly embrace the opportunity that was being presented. The City, she can be a bitch but she can also be a generous queen, offering unlimited contact and richness of Life.

I am going to honor my time there with several posts over the next few days... not always about Blogher.... I promise.

This next bit is about Blogher 10 :: Day One.

That is the Bloggess' shapely foot...this is devotion)

I met a rock star and showered with her, met my friend Ry Pepper (her real name...how freaking cool) and hung out in the bathroom and watched the Bloggess get her shoe licked (dude, people loooooove that woman. For good reason), met the Eden's Fantasies ladies who were planning a awesome sex session. It all sounds a little more raunchy that it was.

And then I ended the night at a small Brooklyn space called Vox Pop, listening to a woman play her lute while she graciously allowed me to take her portrait.

Here's the slideshow and the set link.



Upon reflection, I can say it was a good day.

Blogher 2010 :: The Amiee Experience

So, I just sat down to start writing my Blogher recap post along with thousands of other women who attended the event this weekend. And I realized I can pull it all into one sentence :: Blogher is what you make it. Blogher is whatever you are willing to let it be. (Lied, two sentences).

I was nervous as hell going in, I am not going to lie. But before the conference I had already decided the why of going this year; I had an agenda ::

1) Meet the Canadians. You may think I am kidding. I am not. I read a lot of our Northern friends and really wanted to use the time to put a physical presence to the amazing writer voices.

2) Learn about some 'techy' stuff. I am not a writer, a promoter, a sponsored or advert blogger. I am just Me, with my blog and my space and a desire to know more. So I looked through sessions and found ones that seemed to have solid information about stuff. That stuff turned out to be about design, processing photos and art.

3) Go to Mamapop's Sparklecorn extravaganza to shake my booty (and shake it hard).

And so that is what happened. I met Kate the first day and finally got to hug a woman I have read and cried for and laughed with and sighed over. And then we ended up getting ready for a party together and I had a chance to start to see what it is to meet a person we know from the flat screen become whole and rounded out and there. And I was not disappointed once this weekend with anyone I did get to meet and speak to and be with. (I still find the Kate thing a little surreal).

I went to the Canadian party where there were a lot of Canadians. It was cool. The man dressed as a Mountie was a little much.

I went to session where the founders of Kirsty and Design Sponge shared generously about their blog design, what they know of shaping the online space people see and read. And is was really good info (though I was viewing it through the fog of the free drinks from the Canadian party...thanks for that, O' revered Canadians). The panel also included Alex Vega, an actual web designer who was super informative, forward thinking and funny and (incidentally) she was totally hot.

I heard Ryan from Pacing the Panic room tell a group of women to "Take good pictures". And he was right. The best way to process a photo is in your eye and mind before you shoot or while you shoot, not in Photoshop. He also said "Know your camera". More good advice.

Karen Walrond wrote on my arm and though I was smiling in the pictures I was trembling inside...off balance and sad in a sea of women, missing my kids and home. But she wrote on my arm in bold and I ended up down in my old 'hood the LES and people kept telling me they liked my tattoo. It said "I make things". It almost made me want to go to a tat shop and make it permanent.

I also went to a panel that Karen facilitated and it was unbelievably good. She and two other women spoke about Art in the Blog spaces and shared generously and openly and we had a dialogue in that room that made me finally able to call myself an ARTIST. I do not say this lightly. It has never been a word I am comfortable using in reference to myself.

And then I shook my ass at the Sparklecorn Extravaganza which was like prom without the sausage. (Well, there were a few men...but it was all about the ladies). I am pretty sure there will be a picture of said shaking somewhere around someday.

I also loved the Keynote* which was a moving and special experience...through the listening I found a whole new set of bloggers to explore and read and enjoy. And I made a new friend named Ry Pepper who is a photographer that has created an online space to feature art that catches her eye and interest. She also rocks.

And that was my Blogher10 experience. I did not take swag (well, only the reusable stainless steel bottle that keeps unscrewing and pouring out all over the contents of my purse). I did not even go to the Expo hall where the swag was housed. I occasionally felt totally overwhelmed by the sheer amount of chatter so many women voices can create. I drank too much. I slept too little. I really really have to go through the photos.

Saturday night during Sparklecorn I stepped out of the party for a break from the action and ended meeting a lovely woman. We began talking about the conference and she asked me about my experience. She was open and engaged and a great listener so I told her. I told her what I liked about the conference and I told her what I did not like. Did I mention I was also drunk?

SO...... I really told her. Not in a negative way though because as we were speaking I was hearing my experience and this post was beginning to take shape. I glanced at her badge and noticed it said Staff. I asked her what she did for Blogher and she told me she helps with the conference. So we kept talking and talking and as we finished up our conversation, my heart totally finally getting why I went to this crazy loaded event, another woman who had been listening the whole time turned to me and asked me if I knew who this woman was. I knew her name was Elisa. That was what she told me. Turns out she is one of the co-founders of Blogher. Oh.

And you know what? I am so glad we had that talk. She listened and maybe there was something in there that she heard that will help guide the next experience of Blogher 11 one way or another. I can tell you I certainly felt seen and heard and understood by this woman.

Will I be going to the San Diego Blogher? Absolutely.

It is what you make it. And I might even be able to get a Canadian or two to stay at my house. Awesome.

* The Keynote was an evening event when 15 or so bloggers read their written words. The pieces read were picked via submission and review and voting. There was something about listening to them speak their words that was powerful and beautiful. I loved loved loved it.

* Pictures to come. I am still in NYC for a few more day. This has been a looooong trip with more than just Blogher but I had to bang this out before I forget it all in my sleep deprived, sweaty headed current state. I am more tired right now than I ever am at home with my kids. Whew.

To all my new people that I met via this weekend whirlwind, if you are here reading...hello, welcome, I will find you once I sort out the cards in my hand made felt card carrying (that I last saw in a jumble of some dirty clothes in my thrashed suitcase area.....) #donotwanttopack

My Swag

So, I usually make things in anticipation of a big event, we know this. I make things for my kids and their birthdays, my family members at Christmas, my beloved friends and their offspring. I figured that Blogher should be no exception and now when people ask me what my blog is about I can just show them.

Instead of posting about what I am going to wear (I mean, I already showed you the shoes) I am going to show you what I made. The first thing is a backpack bag.


I know I hate purses; the bumping on the hip, the sliding off the shoulder. I know I love backpacks. But I might look a little weird in heels sporting a Jansport, you know? So I combined a few patterns I have tried to make an awesome Dia de las Muertas infused piece. It is a little slouchy, a lot expandable and came together with moderate hassle.

I love the fact that I remembered to add a flat bottom as I will be fitting my SLR, a pair of Rainbows (because I figure I will wear those heels for about 15 minutes) and a bit of lip gloss and such. There is a giant front pocket to hold the myriad of cards I will collect. I like it. I also need to finish it because I did not remember to sew the cord into the side seams. Easily rectified... I think.


And then, New York, August and humidity. I know these factors will combine in a way that by 3 p.m. I will look similar to Don King. I remember when I lived there and the hair frizz, boob sweat, and 'didn't I just shower?' feeling. So my concession to the hair is a Alabama hair band; comfy, wide enough to hold back some of the exponential hair bomb and pretty.


There is never anything wrong with stitching a little.

And my cards did come. I went with Moo, little chips. Cost and er, the importance, swayed me in this direction. They have a nice feature that allows you to upload from Flickr, choosing photos from your stream.




I like the, but there are a few that were cropped poorly. I swear it was not my error so I might have to speak with Moo about the printing. For the most part I am happy; I have something to palm and I have yet to detect any proofing errors. I struggled a bit to find words to describe me, but who doesn't?


So, do you see anything that I missed? Laura? Please tell me I avoided profanity and spelled my blog correctly.

And last but not least....I am in the process of sharpening my rusty jeweling skills. It has been years since I have picked up the tools but my sister, an amazing jewelry designer, gifted me with a pile of pretty.


I see a Superhero inspired necklace coming about from this....I need something to rotate as I rarely take off the one I do own right now.

Somehow, the making has made me feel much more like Myself. And after spending a good portion of the weekend cleaning up my work documentation and playing at the beach with the boys (By the way, three years olds and kite flying? A big challenge), I now can feel excited about the trip.

Who knows, I might even have a little Secret Mission planned for NYC. So, I'm off....almost.

Upward Growth

This is the view from our kitchen table.



I literally drink it in most mornings as I sit with a cup of coffee. Some mornings are quieter than others, today was quiet and I took a little walk out to see how the growing of things are going. I love looking for new flowers and fruits. The vines give me special pleasure because I love those curly shoots they send out, seeking a hold on any willing bit...sometimes twining around other plants, sometimes climbing the metal grid, purchase found.



There have been set backs...the ants marching along the straight sides of the raised beds, farming their aphids and impervious to my attempts to eradicate their efforts. I let it go sometimes. Others day I dump non-toxic detergent on all the edges and watch as they slowly let go of that path and then, yep, just find a new one. Persistent fucks.

But this was not going to be a post about the garden. Things grow once established and I am learning when to step in and when to be patient. This is going to be a post about upward growth. AKA...my obligatory Blogher post.

I am going to Blogher10 this year....will be on a jet plane headed East next Wednesday morning. I bought the ticket on impulse months and months ago...it seemed like the perfect way to get back to NYC, a place I left in 98' and have yet to visit again. It seemed empowering and exciting and a chance to be with Me...and thousands of other women. It stills seems like those things.

There is also the fairly prevalent feeling of doubt and worry. I went to a pre-Blogher meet up in L.A. proper and met some lovely women. And finally met Neil. I had no cards to give and stumbled a bit when telling people what my blog is about but everyone was very nice. It was loud, when is it not when more than a few women gather? It was eye opening because I realize I do not know/read many blogs lately so I swam a bit trying to 'place' people. Overall, it was a good experience, a tiny taste of the conference maybe and I came home and ordered some cards so my hands do not feel so empty. I don't know, it might look a little weird if I wander around the Hilton knitting a hat or hand stitching a cathedral pane cube.

I have decided to allow this to be an experiment in Vertical Growth. I see that my garden has all it needs and is doing it's thing. A good lesson...

I am excited in a heart in the throat way because I am leaving my family (I decided on a full week because I want time outside of the weekend to see the City (and Marnie :)). I get a quick heartbeat when I realize that the boys and Tim will be quite a plane ride away for 8 days. I get excited to think about waking up for a few mornings and be able to stare at a blank wall in my friend's loft for a few hours if I so choose. I am going to take a class with a Master of African dance who has a smile that shines like brilliant sunlight. I am going to swim in a sea of 1000s of women. I am going to the Cloisters because it is serene and I might need some serenity after a few days.

And though I have fallen out the habit of reading and writing blog posts, though time has been scarce to connect to some of my online people, I want to meet you. I want to say hello to you. I want you to say hello to me. I want to learn about your life and grab your card and give you mine (given that they are delivered in time) and get tipsy and laugh and maybe stumble in my pair of Blogher heels (another obligatory).


This is me....and I will be looking for you too.

Say hi here or there, pretty please?

(Smeary eye make up at 7 a.m.? That's how I roll. You'll see).