This week taught me something that I think I knew intuitively but had yet to really experience. I had to attend a very long and drawn out computer training class at my office, four almost full-time days. In the weeks leading up to it I was feeling pretty nervous about leaving the boys, mainly worried that my parents, their stand-in caregivers, would be overwhelmed. And then the days before I started to realize that I was going to be the overwhelmed one. I had yet to leave them for more than a few hours at a time and here I was with four days to get through, it started to feel almost scary. I am happy to report the time went well for all, I was trained and am almost proficient in a convoluted computer system that will be the future of healthcare and my boys came through the week fine as did the awesome grandparents. But here is where the grass thing comes in…this week truly illustrated to me the privilege it is that I get to stay home and witness and guide the growth and development of my children.
I always thought I would want to be a SAHM (sorry for the abbreviation) but the reality is that it sometimes sucks and can be so much tougher than one anticipates. But I had nothing to compare my experience to prior to this week, I had always just been home with them. We never entertained the idea of my resuming full time work, figuring we would be fine getting by on our current income. If I did go back to work I could potentially earn enough to make it worthwhile and ease some of the financial strain that occurs with a single income…but now I know it would never be worth it. I could not do it, it was really really hard to come home to their smiling faces at the end of the day and have a few mere hours to spend in their company. It made me feel sad and a little lost, to not be the one mixing up crazy lunch concoctions, struggling to get them down to naps, and rolling willy-nilly on the floor with them during playtime. I kept wanting to go to their room and watch them during the night, just to see them more.
I never truly realized how seamlessly integrated our lives and days and experiences have become until I was not in it. And the relief I felt Thursday, when the training ended and I knew I would be back at home today, well, it welled up and I had to write this. As a reminder to myself that on those hard days, those rough, run-away days, well, I am on the greener grass side. I am so lucky to see and shape and be shaped by their lives. We mamas are required to do many things, wear many hats, fill many roles. It is good to know I like mine right now, that they all feel really comfortable, that I am in the skin I want to be. There is no better feeling. Other than the one I get when Owen open-mouth kisses me or Mason points at me and laughs. Yeah, those feeling are pretty good too.
Next up, some knitting to show…I swear.