Twentieth Month

Oh,my beautiful baby boys. When did you do it? When did you go from babies, held and cuddled and needy, to boys? How did the change happen in front of me, was it during those hours I stepped away to work, those minutes I stole on the computer while you played together, those seconds I glanced outside and wondered what we would do today? Was it when I breathed in your scent and laid you down for the night, only to walk in to your room in the morning and let in the bright sunshine to find two little boys, little people eagerly gesturing and talking and pointing and urging me to get the day started, to free you from your cribs so you could run down the hall to the Legos that hold you captive day after day.


How my heart squeezed this morning when Owen, you came running down the hall with 2 of my shoes. Me, sitting on the hearth with my coffee and daddy doing wake up duty, so my first sight of you was this while you yelled "Hi, hi, hi' in that excited way, that way that says anything is possible today.

Any day. Every day. My heart squeezes a bit every day now because it whirls by and no journal, no tweet, no post can truly catch it properly. How do you catch the magic of watching people grow. How? I need to know.

When we do things there is a running commentary, I would call you the peanut gallery, but you sound more like monkeys. You jabber and then out of nowhere say very clearly some witty phrase that makes me want to pee my pants. You talk with each other and conspire and plot my downfall, or at least where you think you might find the cookie stash. You notice everything and are starting to parrot all words we say. Little parrots with the ability to help me reflect on the things that tumble from my mouth without censor.

Like, watching you, Mace, mutter 'dammit' under your breath when you drop your dot or cannot carry 9 match box cars at once. Very clear, it is very clear, indeed, that I need to stop with that one. Stat.

There are no limits anymore and you love to be free of any and all restraints anywhere. You are mildly wary of the occasional stranger, but charming nonetheless, offering pretzels and cars, only to snatch them back and grin your grins, a little wily but so genuine.

You both love running, charging up and down hills on our hikes. Owen, your stamina is impressive for your size. Mace, what is impressive in you is your determination to stop when you are done. Face down, laid out, no coaxing will get you to go further, the only thing that will do is carrying.

Pens, pencils, chalk and crayons are now your obsession, decorating the floor, walls, table and chairs your passion. Thank you for the magic eraser, world of advanced technological stuff, I would wither in the face of the scribbling without you by my side. We are working on the concept of appropriate places to write, but sometimes I see your wonder in producing this scratchy lines and I wish you could color the world as you would.

You saw the movie Ratatouille a few days ago, it was raining, we were trapped and I got caught up in the HD. I loved it, and so did you. Owen, you watched a scene where a few rats wrestled and at the conclusion, you went to your Omi and demanded a match, ready to roll. You seem to have an instinct for the take down and specialize in the shirt collar move. Mace does not like it at all.

Mace, you now kiss every mouse in every book, even blow them kisses on the screen. You are generous with your affection and just as generous with your aggression. Headlocks have become a favorite as has ganging up on former friend/playmates. Now, I see you team up to take them down and I am more than a little scared. I have a few new names for you since the last update : "Professional Dismantlers" and "Team Hooligan" come to mind readily.

We are working on the hair pulling, the tackling, the hugs that go south and turn into strangulation attempts. But these are all interspersed with good times, laughing times, and those times when I see out of the corner of my eye that connection, that kindred connection that you share.

Out of nowhere I have been hit my a deep longing to do this again. Shocked, I felt shocked when I realized I really feel this. So convinced at the beginning that I would never, never do this again. My mama must be chuckling reading this after all those early days when I professed that I would give up my uterus willingly if the hormone thing was not such an issue. Shocked, Tim was when I mentioned this desire I have. And he looked a little green too. But for now I just sit with it, think on it, consider it, and cherish the idea just a bit. The possibility just a bit.

I have never know Time like I do now. Never felt it so acutely as we move through growing and change each day with you two. You break my heart daily and mend it even faster. Writing this feels a bit bittersweet, as we let go of the babyness and embrace the boyness. As we move closer to the letting go and further from the having to hold. It goes so fast, my boys. My beautiful boys. Merry Christmas. You are my greatest of gifts.