Tuesday, April 05, 2011

To Boyhood

We went for a hike yesterday afternoon. It was a lovely day, a well known trail. Top of the aptly named Mountain Avenue, long fire road that can take you for miles and miles if that is what you want.

Yesterday we went up with our boys, no stroller. We have done it before and had to turn around after the first big hill. This time was different. Slow, yes. Water stops for Mace every 15 seconds or so (he seems to love sucking on the Camelbak tube, reminders of bottle days?). There were a few complaints and carrying for a minute or two. But it was a hike.

Mace asked if we could climb the 'yoop' trail so we did, up a steeper single track to a singular view of our valley. Blue blue, green green, dusty rocky brown trail. And the boys were such boys. They were talking and laughing and pulling out some sass. They were watching stink beetles and sticky spiky caterpillars and making the occasional poop and pee remark. And all of a sudden it struck me hard how much they are going, growing, going.

This month they turn 4 ... a few weeks away. I don't know why but I feel like I am losing that last bit of baby, watching them turn total boy on me. I know that they have not been babies for a long long time but now it feels solid, irrevocable. Boys. They can walk the trail without a stroller, handle dressing and potty time and navigating via their makeshift maps.

I don't talk about them much here anymore, certainly not in the ways of past. Not weekly, monthly, hourly even though they are all things to me that they have been. I do not take pictures of their school art often, throw away a good portion of it. I wonder sometimes if I will regret that piece of paper I tossed that they carefully (and not so carefully) painted/glued/scribbled/cut. I do still marvel as their abilities add up, it is just harder to find the time to write it down.

So back to the turning 4. It is freaking me out. It is like a repeat of my freaking out when I turned 35 last year. So I think I just have to let it go. Cuddle them, listen seriously to them, do increasingly more difficult puzzles with them, correct them as we read books and they hit or miss guess at some of the letters, then cuddle them again if they let me.
365 ::88alternate

I don't want to be that mom that mourns the loss of her babies over and over. I want to be present and a mom to the little people that they are becoming. But I will admit to that twinge in my belly, that little bit of sadness I felt as I watched and listened and observed them yesterday on the trail. And coming to the realization that this is parenting ... learning to let go in little and big ways. I may have realized this before in the last almost 4 years but I have a feeling that it will feel new every time it comes ...
365 :: 87

I was wondering why I still come to this place to blog. Sometimes it feels as if I toss bits of dribble and dross here and hope for the best. But then there is this feeling and I am glad I have a place to put it.

Today? I put them in the stroller and we walked to the market and taco 'store' and I pushed them both and listened to their chatter and felt better because they are still mine, boys, yes, but most importantly mine.

Your mama loves you, boys. So very very much.


LauraC said...

This post hits home with me in so many ways. I am also feeling that loss of my boys growing up. I feel like I don't understand where the time went.

And the last month, every day I feel like giving up blogging. I power through because I am so glad I have those previous years documented in books forever. But I don't know where my blog is going in the future.

Oh and I think your 365 project with your captions would make an amazing book at the end. Every time I read your updates, I think to myself that I should start a 365 but life is too busy right now to make that a priority.

Beth said...

It hits home with me too, and my girls are approaching six this summer. They are growing so fast that I find myself really clinging to the moments when they still feel like my babies, when they want to hold hands or snuggle. It's hard to remind myself that this is my purpose, to love them and to help them grow into independent beings. I also think a lot about how much I still need/love to be with my own mother, and that there are so many amazing stages of my relationship with my girls to come.

I hope that you continue to blog for very selfish reasons! I don't know anyone with twins, and have learned so much and felt so comforted by the things that you write. You have a beautiful way with words and with your boys, and I've enjoyed reading your posts. Thank you for sharing.

jillian said...

They are boys now, but always your babies :)

Liz md P-H said...

I know how you feel. My twinados turn 4 in May and every day I am surprised at how grown up they are. A few nights ago I went through my old blog posts and felt that "OMG, what people say is true, it goes so fast" that is so so hard to see when you are dealing with potty issues or a newfound love for deconstructing things like the stereo.

Enjoy Mace and Owen as little boys and look back at their pics and reward yourself for raising them thus far... Then dream about all the great things that may come.

You are a wonderful Mama, and I love reading about how much you love your boys.

studio meyer said...

hi aimee, it's been a while since I've been around blogland... my boy is also growing and currently I am eager to watch him grow and learn new things.. but I will come to this point for sure when I have a heartbreaking feeling whilst looking back. but then, I have a little one to look after again right now...:) go have a look on my blog www.studiomeyer.blogspot.com
yes I have two boys now, too. aren't boys just great.
love, anne