14 months snuck up on us, as I am sure 14 years will in time. There seems to be a inversion factor going on, those early months that seemed so endless at times are long gone, replaced by a whirling time of change and some chaos, the feeling of watching something happen breathlessly, trying to catch up.
You, my boys, apparently take things very literally. In the teething department, at least. The day after you turned one, you started teething your one year molars. At first I though, great, lets get it over with. But two long months later, Mace, I just glanced and saw the bottom two have finally slightly pushed through. Which apparently sent you into a tailspin last night, causing a screaming fit from 130 a.m. until 4 a.m. from which you recovered by waking at 535 rather than 505. Owen, I see yours coming through, but it seems to give you less trouble, less reason to scream anyway. Occasionally I have prayed for deliverance from this, but laugh because once these teeth pass through some other phase will start, probably the one where you start telling me’ nope, not gonna’ do it.’ Or something equally as fun.
One other mama I just started reading said phases are rarely good things, you just do not hear parents say, my kid is in the ‘compliant all the time with a smile’ phase. She is right, so on to other stuff.
The amazing thing in the last few months is the pace of your discovery, your exploration. You both have found that the world outside is where you prefer to be for hours and hours. The backyard your safe haven,
the front yard Mama’s terror. Because you just leave. No qualms about walking out and off. No comprehension yet of street vs. sidewalk. Actually a preference for street. Especially you, Mace. When in public we are practicing having you walk with us. Owen, you love to hold Daddy’s hand, love to walk at our side (for 100 feet or so). But Mace, you are so fiercely independent, so like me, it is frightening.
We say ‘bye-bye’ you scoff and walk the exact opposite way that the other three family members are going. We want to pick you up, you claw and writhe and throw your beautiful blond head backward. A challenge, a real challenge.
Owen, you have found affection and you love to give it. You will give a nice sloppy open mouth kiss on demand, but my favorite are the kisses you initiate. I will turn and there you are, grasping at my face and leaning in.
It took me a few times to realize what you wanted, now I relish every single kiss. Both of you have taken to coming and plopping down on our laps and lately, the Mama bear wrestle is all the rage. That, by the way, is when your Mama is supine on the ground with exhaustion (usually late afternoon) and then I find two slightly tired very aggressive young toddlers climbing on every limb, twisting around my body and each other and jostling to eject the other. Not always the most comfortable thing for Mama, but seemingly wonderful for the two of you.
Owen, you totally got hit on at our last playgroup, and the scary thing, you did not mind at all. You are in love with another Mama there, Nicole, and you were lying down next to her, gazing at her shorts locks when, Baam!, your friend Mia straddled you and started planting kisses and hugs all over you. And you grinned, like the cat that swallowed the canary.
Wish we would have had the camera handy for that moment. Actually moments, as she followed you for quite some time and you did nothing to dissuade her advances. She would take you down and you would just grin this cheesy grin and let her. I have a feeling we might be in trouble in this area.
Mason, you are showing me lots of new sides to your self lately. You love to figure out things on your own, only want adult things (the baby spoons and forks are rejected and we have to provide full sized utensils, preferably metal. So far both eyeballs are still intact. So far). I can rarely feed you now, I can rarely do too much for you. You want to see it all, know how it works, then find a new way to twist it’s use, whatever the ‘it’ of the moment is.
Very innovative, loving getting in things and loving running away. You also get truly frustrated when unable to do things and get a defiant glint in your eyes when disciplined. All things I remember about myself when smaller. Or even now, I guess. I think this will be both your blessing and challenge as you grow. I sometimes wish I did not see as much of me in you as I sometimes feel like my person is a challenged person, too complex for my own good. But I will equip you with what skills in can to take on the business of being you. And try to hold my patience when your shrill screams bounce around my head.
To the both of you, I must say thank you. The way you live your life is reopening closed areas of my own. My imagination feels like it is resurfacing as I try to look at things in a new way, new light. My creativity is called to try new things as I watch you do so. My desire to just be present to watch grows as you do. And that is so very different than I thought I would feel.
I reached a milestone just today. I returned to my Friday morning yoga class. You both went eagerly into the gym kiddie place, barely glancing back at me. You stayed whole and well and very happy for 90 minutes and though you ran to me happily when I came for you, it was more of a ‘hi’ than a desperate move to get out. And now I know I can continue with this class I cherish, a class at 830 a.m. with dim lights and quiet people and very, very challenging asanas. A milestone indeed. I have also made a few decisions regarding my Self. I am going to try the Master Cleanse (shuddering as I write this) to open other blocked areas, then really approach life in a way that promotes my health and longevity, both for you, me and Tim. The 30s are proving a big change, slowed metabolism, aching joints, hurting feet. There has to be some solution to get it all realigned and I am working towards it.
So, just now I am trying to be as present as possible as we both walk through all these new things. I hope you are feeling my love and joy as much as I am feeling yours. I hope my times of frustration and losses of patience are not as well remembered as my love. And I hope, oh, I hope you know how much your Mama loves you, so very much.