Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Working It Out

I was going to write their birth story this week. But those words will not seem to flow, the memory of that day is still messy, scary and jumbled in my mind.

Two years ago on a Wednesday morning at 6 a.m. I met our boys for the first time. Our nurse brought them to me and handed me two small boys, perfect and healthy.

Oddly enough that same nurse and I do yoga together every Tuesday and Thursday night, she lives about 5 miles from us and still asks about the boys.

I cannot seem to write about that day 2 years ago but I do want to write about another aspect of motherhood.

A conversation was generated with a few other Mama and non Mama friends regarding motherhood and the preparation for it. I often feel like I had no time to prep. So much of my pregnancy time was devoted specifically to delaying the act of becoming a Mama, keeping them in until it was safe for them to come out.

There was something I read this week that made me feel a bad as a Mama, not the one I am now but the one I wished I had been at the beginning. I had to think about the why of that and realized how internalized I had made that little something that I had just read. It was in no way meant to make anyone feel bad, but it was just the perfect picture it presented and how glaringly un-perfect it made me feel.

It made me want to share something here. I know when I post here it is about my life but those are just slices, glimpses. And sometimes I get comments from people asking how I do it all....that they do not know how it all gets done.

Truth is, it doesn't. The house is not always in order, in fact as I write this I am laying in sand and laundry and cars the boys left on our bed. The toy room is not organized, the door casings are not finished and the pocket door to our hall bathroom has no hardware on it and has not for 3 years. The kitchen is full of dirty dishes, our backyard sliding door gets stuck everyday because it needs to be replaced but but we cannot justify the cost right now even at wholesale price. There are too many shoes piled at the front door, most mysteriously without mates.
Brekky with Opa

The boys hair is rarely combed, sometimes I pretend not to hear them fighting so I can read one more blog post, I stay up too late, their room is nowhere near 'done' and they are almost two and I think I should read to them more and practice their numbers and letters with more consistency...which is hard because all they want to do is play in the sand and water our plants.
Parallel Play

I also know how to take pictures that obscure all these real life details. I am not ashamed of them, it is just that I choose to edit the mess so I do not have to see it in the glaring light.

My Mamahood life is messy, full of grit and sand, broken toys and too much plastic, but then my life has always been a bit messy.
'Water' Play

So as year two comes to a close, I want to remember and I want you all reading to know it is far from perfect. It is cluttered and disorganized, full of plain pasta and food discarded on the floor, occasionally partially chewed. It is up and down, exhausting and sometimes bewildering.
Piano PLay

But I would not change a moment of it. Question my approach? Yes. Learn from my mistakes? Of course. But remember that it is okay as it is, they are perfect as they are and so am I. Always working on that one.

That is the joy of it though. The possibility that we might finish the house projects, bring the garden to fruition and de-clutter our lives. All the while being gifted with the special and precious charge of raising some of the most wonderful and challenging children I have ever met.

But, Tim, seriously? The pocket door needs its hardware. Stat.


Bea said...

AMEN, that is all I have to say!

Alisa said...

Sounds perfect to me.

Or maybe just like my life. Any person who raises two kids at the same time, especially toddlers, is perfect.

Enough said.

Luckygirl said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! You are so right about twin pregnancy being all about staying pregnant and not about learning how to take care of babies. I remember thinking right before we left the hospital - WHAT?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! All I know how to do is keep them safe and healthy inside of me. What now?

And your babies were absolutely angelic in that newborn pic. Makes me cry every time I see newborn twin babies :)

Amy said...

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

Sarah-potterknitter said...

Don't wish for it to be any different. Think if there is anyone you know who's house is always clean, Do they have as much fun, love, life, time?? Life is messy and that's what makes it life.
Half our windows have been replaced and those that have don't have any trim. We had lots of friends over this week and discussed that most of their houses don't have trim either. At least we don't have pink fiber insulation showing. Ours is yellow foam, less dangerous for poking fingers.

In that picture the boys look so similar!

LauraC said...

I just assume that every mom's life is like this. This is how my life is and how all my mom friends' lives are. I like my friends' "imperfections" if you can even call them that because it means they are real.

Anonymous said...

This is such a wonderful post, A. I want to give a great big hug right this very second (but I will wait a few weeks). Oh and I'm still going to go on being in awe of you, if you don't mind. Thank you. xo-S.

Anonymous said...

This is gorgeous. Also, right now in my apartment there are two Sundays worth of newspapers on the floor, smoothie ingredients on the counter, and a lamp with no shade on the dresser. But there are also some daisies in a glass on the table, and my feet are in my boyfriend's lap. So, you know? It's just life. Thanks so much for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. I needed to hear it from another twin mama. I hold myself to an exceedingly high standard and continuously beat myself up when I fall short of the mark.

Your lovelies are just, well, lovely. Hugs and all good things!


Anonymous said...

Awesomely brilliant post. I couldn't have said it better myself, and I'm only dealing with ONE (almost)2 year old...and a 15 week old. The important things get done, and that includes "one more row" or "one more chapter/podcast/blog post" for Mommy's sanity. A relaxed (ha!) Mom is worth more than a vacuumed floor or blocks picked up (again) that will only end up back on the floor.


Sereknitty said...

Honestly, I think you're doing an amazing job of raising those two little boys and you need to give yourself a huge break! Someone once said to me, "there's no prize in life, for being perfect".

Hugs to you, and thanks for being so open and honest!

Preeti said...

You're doing a perfect job in raising your boys to be strong, independent young men. That's all that matters!

t + j said...

all i have to say is, "happy birthday, owen and mace!" and equal to that, "happy birthday, mames and tim!" no matter how dirty, chaotic and utterly insane your journey is and has been, it's a beautiful one indeed.

Katie said...

such a great post - this is exactly what it was like growing up in my house! my mom's kitchen is still lacking cupboard doors and some other amenities (which she would be happy to list), but we all made it out of the house happy and healthy, as I'm sure your boys will! it's great keeping up with both the crafts and the family life from afar.

The Adventures of Carrie, Brook, Finn and Reid said...

Today is the day, right?

Happy Birthday, Mason and Owen!

jillian said...

Happy birthday big boys!

And there is truly no such thing as perfect...don't beat yourself up trying to attain. You are an incredible mama!

Bon said...

i am late to this, but oh it did wonders for my soul.

i am glad to know that there is mess in other people's lives, people who look so shiny from where i sit. i am glad to know, b/c it allows me to be kind to myself, too.

happy birthday to your boys.

Disentangled said...

Happy Birthday boys!...and lovely post :)

Katie said...

My sink is full of dishes, I was going to do them but decided to read your blog instead... I'm so glad I did. Thank you for reminding me that perfect is unnecessary, but happy (or close to it) is an absolute must. :)

jennifer said...

fantastic!!! i echo so much of what (and how) you express. it is what it is and embracing that is so beautiful. thank you for sharing so much and for being so tremendously fabulous. really.