I Told You So

Be careful what you wish for, that is what they say. I understand that statement so truly right now. I am feeling the strain and push and pull of it all, and it is not a bad thing, but it is definitely a thing.

The last weeks, well months, have held great change for us as a family. It was a change I needed, was grateful to welcome. The two years with the boys seems to have whipped by, those precious early days distant, the struggle of developing toddlers, now children, more present. I still feel like I can embrace this phase of Mama-hood better than the beginning, but I thought I would appreciate the time out of the house, the back to work feeling.

Hmmm, it is not as if I do not like working. I actually find it quite rewarding. When I do it right. After being out of the 'workplace' for years, I am finding the transition hard. Harder than I thought. The good thing is I work from other peoples' homes. The medical part is not hard, I can say I have yet to do anything wrong to the patients I am seeing. The organization, juggling of patient caseloads, keeping current on the now totally computerized system (built of course by a non-PT but very thorough individual that thought they understood my job)...those are kicking my ass.

There is so much involved in carrying a full caseload, so much more than I remembered. There is also the aspect of working from home and trying to finish it and get back to the boys and be there. I am trying hard not to quiz Tim every time I get in, ask about their naps, their food, their fun. It is not that I do not trust him, just that I am so very used to knowing. And, yes, controlling it all. Right now I can tell I am not handling all of my roles gracefully. But it is getting better, wee bit by wee bit.



Where last week I had no desire to even look through my blog list or try to communicate with the outside world, now this week I had time to catch a few reads here and there. Where last week creating seemed forced, this week I find myself reaching for yarn and fabric.

I would never ever say that being a stay at home Mama is easy. It is not. But it certainly afforded me a bit of luxurious time to create and read and craft and dream. My dreams of making are not gone, just a bit more jumbled and disjointed. The once clear lists of projects I wanted to tackle are now subsumed by lists of patient paperwork I absolutely have to finish.

I am so glad I can use all of my skills to earn, to make our lives run smoothly, to give my husband the opportunity to fall more in love with them, and let them revel in having their Daddy daily. It is the perfect time for him to step in. The baby part is done, we agreed he would have been less than thrilled with some of the daily aspects of that time. Now is the time of rough and tumble, dirt and trucks and bikes and constant play. Now is the time of action, an action he is providing wonderfully. And the slight knife-like feel when they call Daddy before Mama. I can take it.



You know what assuages the sticking a bit? A serviceable paycheck, figures that I have not seen in years because I was pretty busy with what I will always regard as my most important job ever. It helps to make real money again, but I miss my days with them. Will always miss them. And will try to steal a few more here and there before those boys really go and grow up.



Ah, this parenting thing. Gets easier and harder all at the same time.