Sunday, May 03, 2009

I Told You So

Be careful what you wish for, that is what they say. I understand that statement so truly right now. I am feeling the strain and push and pull of it all, and it is not a bad thing, but it is definitely a thing.

The last weeks, well months, have held great change for us as a family. It was a change I needed, was grateful to welcome. The two years with the boys seems to have whipped by, those precious early days distant, the struggle of developing toddlers, now children, more present. I still feel like I can embrace this phase of Mama-hood better than the beginning, but I thought I would appreciate the time out of the house, the back to work feeling.

Hmmm, it is not as if I do not like working. I actually find it quite rewarding. When I do it right. After being out of the 'workplace' for years, I am finding the transition hard. Harder than I thought. The good thing is I work from other peoples' homes. The medical part is not hard, I can say I have yet to do anything wrong to the patients I am seeing. The organization, juggling of patient caseloads, keeping current on the now totally computerized system (built of course by a non-PT but very thorough individual that thought they understood my job)...those are kicking my ass.

There is so much involved in carrying a full caseload, so much more than I remembered. There is also the aspect of working from home and trying to finish it and get back to the boys and be there. I am trying hard not to quiz Tim every time I get in, ask about their naps, their food, their fun. It is not that I do not trust him, just that I am so very used to knowing. And, yes, controlling it all. Right now I can tell I am not handling all of my roles gracefully. But it is getting better, wee bit by wee bit.


Where last week I had no desire to even look through my blog list or try to communicate with the outside world, now this week I had time to catch a few reads here and there. Where last week creating seemed forced, this week I find myself reaching for yarn and fabric.

I would never ever say that being a stay at home Mama is easy. It is not. But it certainly afforded me a bit of luxurious time to create and read and craft and dream. My dreams of making are not gone, just a bit more jumbled and disjointed. The once clear lists of projects I wanted to tackle are now subsumed by lists of patient paperwork I absolutely have to finish.

I am so glad I can use all of my skills to earn, to make our lives run smoothly, to give my husband the opportunity to fall more in love with them, and let them revel in having their Daddy daily. It is the perfect time for him to step in. The baby part is done, we agreed he would have been less than thrilled with some of the daily aspects of that time. Now is the time of rough and tumble, dirt and trucks and bikes and constant play. Now is the time of action, an action he is providing wonderfully. And the slight knife-like feel when they call Daddy before Mama. I can take it.

Amazing Em Presents

You know what assuages the sticking a bit? A serviceable paycheck, figures that I have not seen in years because I was pretty busy with what I will always regard as my most important job ever. It helps to make real money again, but I miss my days with them. Will always miss them. And will try to steal a few more here and there before those boys really go and grow up.


Ah, this parenting thing. Gets easier and harder all at the same time.


jillian said...

One day at a time, super-mama :)

I can imagine that transition would be a little bumpy, but it sounds like this week is settling in better than last. You can do it!

Anonymous said...

This was so lovely and true. I really identify with that feeling of yearning a little to be someplace else, no matter where you are. Thanks, as always.

Pixiepurls said...

Oh how I feel your pain! I don't know too much about the details of your situation but I did NOT want to go back to work, I went back when BG was 1 year old and it was a part of my "master plan". Go back to work, to keep our health insurance (DH is self employeed) and to get pregnant again so that I could be home with both. It didn't make as much sense financially to stay home with just the 1 (though now in retrospect it would have been fine, I could have freelanced way more vs with 2 I wouldn't be able to make as much from WAHM).

I've hated the last months and months, somehow I did manage to release a knitting pattern so it is possible to work and still do side projects but as you said it is just much harder, and the feeling coming home to my child after being at work all day is so different then the feelings of being home with her all day. I crave "me" time. I WANT so spend time with her but I also want to "decompress". It's a weird feeling. It doesn't make me feel "bad" or "guilty" but I know I would not feel that way if I stayed home all the time with her.

When I was home all the time I had days when I wanted to get away, from it all and be free from DD for a few hours. But this feeling never lasted very long and I knew it was a natural occurance and also learned how to do things that got both of us out of the house. If I was a SAHM/WAHM I would probably have a YMCA membership or signed her up for some gymnastic classes so once or twice a week I could meet other moms, and have a fwe momens of free hands (and maybe knit some too) and have DD socialize. My sister says she would go crazy at home with her two boys, I can't imagine NOT being at home with my babies and every day I am counting down towards that moment. I've already been home a year, so I know I like it. I know it will take a re-adjustment AGAIN that could last up to several months as I learn how to handle 2 kids of varying ages, I know I won't be happy every day, but I know overall my heatlh will be better and I will be happier. Then once I adjust I can focus on my "small busniess" and if I can get it going as much as I want to, maybe just maybe I can make some sort of actual monitary contribution to the family without sacrificing my ability to be home with my babies.

Sort of ranting here, I know my sitation is a bit of the reserve to yours, you've just gone back and I'm waiting to be done working. I think it's really hard to work and be a parent. It's just hard, because your constantly being distracted and torn between two very different things that really have nothing to do with the other. It will take you a while to adjust, but you will. HUmans are such wonderful creatures in how we are able to adopt so well. You will find your "happy place" and things will get easier. If I did not have "the end" looming in front of me it would have been EASIER to go back to work because I wouldn't have had this wonderful cookie looking out before me just out of reach but knowing I would soon reach it, instead I would have adopted and found a way to be content, and make it work.

Sereknitty said...

Hang in there, mama -- you truly are doing an amazing job juggling your various hats!

Em Natural said...

I can't imagine the juggle but if i knew a woman that could do it and do it well it is you. You are an amazing woman! Just know you hold the standard on how much can be done in a day!You are simply inspiring!! ")
love you lady!

Disentangled said...

wow, you summed up my last week very well. i was back to work this week and brad will be the day caregiver from now on. and yes, i too have felt like a was giving him (and my mil for the next couple weeks) a quiz when i got home! i just hope it gets easier.