Thursday, October 08, 2009

At Night

I lean in, the convex of his forehead meets the curve of my nose, a perfect fit, and I rest for a moment in the pre-dawn light, breathing in the sleep silence of my small children.


They were crying out all night, random phrases like "Truck!" and "Boat!" then it just became "Mommy mommy mommy mommy..." until I came into their darkness and laid down with them under their blanket. My legs folded up in the too small pushed together toddler beds, a boy on each side.

All Smiles

Owen starts and shifts, saying "Me (garble) me (garble) me flower". Quiet. Then "No Daddy me do it, me do it." They must dream now, living in that other world of make believe and circumstance when eyes close. Maybe that is why they cry out.


I once yearned for the night when they would no longer need me, when sleep would be mine. And most nights it does belong to me, in my bed with my husband. I sometimes feel bereft when I wake from a full night sleep, unsure of where I am.


Now, in those rare hours when we lay warm and tangled in blankies, foreheads touching for a moment, I feel our souls meet. The knowing of them is beyond precious, beyond privilege. It extends into Pure Love.

Hiking @ Mountain
Hiking @ Mountain


Dawn Johnson Warren said...

I so relate! I remember slightly how depressed I was from the lack of sleep those first few months, I know I was miserable and praying for it to end. But now I love laying beside them in their toddler beds to fall asleep at night. And I love when Logan comes in and crawls into bed with us, laying in the middle and cuddling up to fall back asleep for a few hours before we carry him back to his bed because he's turned sideways. Or when Forest snuggles deeply into the curve of my arms and drifts back to sleep for another hour. I absolutely love these moments and cherish them to no end.

Claroux said...

beautiful post! I had a similar experience with Chloe last night. She crawled into our bed between us around 3 AM. After feeding Jax at 5 and going back to bed she rolled over and was nose to nose with me. twirling her hair (a sure sign that she's tired) with her eyes closed. I kissed her forehead and pulled her closer to me so I could smell her hair. All of a sudden her eyes opened, she placed her little hand on my cheek and said "I love you Mommy." I just about DIED on the spot.

I agree with you....for the longest time I LONGED for nights when I could sleep straight through in my own bed with my husband. But nights like last night make me want to hold my babies close and never let go. I know that all too soon they will be grown up. But I will always cherish those moments!

Sereknitty said...

So sweet! Sometimes when I'm holding our littlest grandson, and having a quiet, mostly one sided conversation, he presses his cheek against mine, so our ears are close together -- as though he wants to let me know he's listening very hard.

LauraC said...

Absolutely gorgeous, both writing and photos.

(I'm happy and sad to report very few night wakings at 3. We had that rough patch at 2.5 also with the night terrors and nightmares.)

Alisa said...

What a beautiful post! I feel it. This morning, my 9 y.o. crawled in to bed to cuddle me awake. Such love. It makes my life! Enjoy the moments. They are all precious, even the not so fun ones!

Meredith said...

oh, i'm crying...this is so so true...the love of our little boys! thank you for writing this!

Preeti said...

This precious time passes too quick which is why we stashed the baby's bed in storage and she's with us now. The sweet murmurs and the sighs during sleep I always think that she must be lost in a different wonderful world while she sleeps. What a touching post.