Solo

I've been away from my boys one week a year since they turned two. Solo, alone. I don't travel for work, no. I travel for sanity. And I am a very blessed woman for having a partner that has allowed that space for me.

This time, this week, is different. They left me. Headed down South, my three boys, to work on the old house, touch base and reconnect. I have been alone in our new home, albeit temporary home/apartment. But it is my first time alone in Our Space, with their Lego scatterings, Tim's socks that need washing, our dishes and coffee paraphernalia.



I have come out of sleep each morning listening. Looking for a small silhouette in the doorway asking if it is was daytime yet, Mommy. And yet it is quiet, the early sunrise over the hill pulling light into the day, softening their room in its glowing. Made coffee for one, donned work attire, checked in by phone. Headed out.

Returning to a home undisturbed and silent is disconcerting. Knowing it is temporary is comforting. I have progressed in the way of sorting and quilting and 'catching up' in general. and I thank the blessed gods of all for this not being my norm.



They bring light and true Life to my days. In their churning chaos and needs, they define me. The library pulls but not enough. Making of dinner calls but not quite enough. Making is there to fulfill but also fill a hole. Me time is relative when there becomes just too much of it.

I love being a mother and wife and worker and woman and person. I love taking the time to realize that. I miss my babies, babies no longer, I admit, but I miss mine own.

I am grateful to love my life. I am eager for their return. I am trying to embrace the quiet. I am not so good with it.

Solitude vivifies; isolation kills. -Joseph Roux

Settle In

Set·tle    /ˈsɛtl/
verb (used with object)



1.to appoint, fix, or resolve definitely and conclusively; agree upon (as time, price, or conditions).
2.to place in a desired state or in order: to settle one's affairs.
3.to pay, as a bill.
4.to close (an account) by payment.
5.to migrate to and organize (an area, territory, etc.); colonize: The pilgrims settled Plymouth.
6.to cause to take up residence: They settled immigrants in urban areas.
7.to furnish (a place) with inhabitants or settlers: The French settled this colony with army veterans.
8.to quiet, calm, or bring to rest (the nerves, stomach, etc.).
9.to stop from annoying or opposing: A sharp word will settle that youngster.
10.to conclude or resolve: to settle a dispute.
11.to make stable; place in a permanent position or on a permanent basis.
12.to cause (a liquid) to become clear by depositing dregs.
13.to cause (dregs, sediment, etc.) to sink or be deposited.
14.to cause to sink down gradually; make firm or compact.
15.to dispose of finally; close up: to settle an estate.
16.Law .
a.to secure (property, title, etc.) on or to a person by formal or legal process.
b.to terminate (legal proceedings) by mutual consent of the parties.



This is Me now. All of it. All 16 parts speak to me in some way. But for the most part my Soul speaks right now and so the definitions just make sense. Because I am settled in a way I have not felt in... forever? A calm; a lesser need and a greater need.

And the calm that has descended into my depth and made me settle into a Center that does not feel like swirling right now but more like sediment, layers slowly shifting and deepening, creating a base that feels solid, like concrete. Breathing solid concrete.



Things that were once so scary are less so. Things I did not want to do are seen in a different light. People I want to be near are people I want to be near... but there is new space for people that I should want to meet. I am grateful for the ease of transition, for the lovely Marcie I met at the park with her babes that came equipped with costume bag, snacks and an eager desire to find a friend like me as I wanted to find a friend like her.

Who do you thank when you profess to not really pray anymore? I turn to the Universe in general.
Thanks, Universe. You are tops.

And the Question Came

It was bedtime last night and I was laying down between the boys. We were huddling under the blankets, slowly finding the bedtime rhythm of a late night. We began the familiar routine of question/answer/story as we worked through the day and then they asked : "Mommy, where did we come from?". I was startled but I also understood they were asking me Where We came from. Not the question of the womb or the home but the Question...

I didn't say God put us here because I don't believe that. I said I didn't know. I explained a bit about evolution and Earth and the Big Bang, about the Universe being so so large and about every beautiful thing that exists had some path, some place and evolution to make it so. But that I also didn't really know.

The conversation wove about, to volcanic action and back to the time of Dinosaurs and why they became extinct, or dead, as Mace will clarify every time. We talked of food and starvation and legs mired in tar (Mace's theory) and eventually the words slowed down, the bodies I lay between became more and more still and then their breath fell into that rhythm, the one that instantly makes me feel at one with them, at One.

I want them to ask that Question again and again. I want to explain about the miracle that Life is. In the simplest of ways; by showing them a shoot growing, or their lungs exchanging gases with that shoot, or the stars that spin through their own cosmic dance.

I will not be able to tell them that they were put here by the choice of some Other thing because I don't know about that. But I can tell them that they are Here. And I can tell them about what I do know. And about Love. That seems a very good start.



* Thinking of Susan, a brilliant star with a valiant warrior heart and a voice that spoke to hundreds, thousands, millions as she lived. She is missed on this day.

Anew

Do you believe in dreams? Ask me three years ago and I am not sure of the answer to that one. Younger Me might have said, yes, of course. Three years ago Me? Not so sure. Me? Today? Equivocal resounding Yes.

I write this from my new home (for now). My home in a town that was a name only 8 years ago when we first started passing through this area. 5 years ago when we first stopped in it. 3 years ago when my brother settled in 'just down the road". Today, when we now live here. Dreams, they are funny things how they settle into our skin and soul and call and call until we listen.

Dreams, not the ones of sleep, but the ones of Action, never look as we think they should. Never wear the robes we imagine they will. But once put into Action and let go, they become what they are.

I wonder sometimes if it is Dreaming or just listening to what the Universe is actually saying to us. I cannot really know, new to this again but I want to believe that in the listening, we are finding our way.

I asked about a year ago for a new way; a way out, in and around it all. I wanted something New and Better. I wanted what we all want, It All. Define as you will, it looks different for each of us. It is not the first time I have asked, Oh, no, not the first. I think I ask a lot. Maybe more than others.

The thing is, when you ask, well, Ms/Mr/Mrs Universe can answer in spades. This time we were ready so we packed our Selves and cast iron and toys boxes and stuff of life and followed the signs.

For a few weeks now I have come out of sleep at 4:30 a.m. knowing exactly where I am, not disoriented but just awake. And I have thought so much about this, this Dreaming, this Asking. Pinch. Pinch me, again. It still feels like vacation, all those spots we drove and drove to, striving to get away from it all, away from that which was not Us but that which we wanted To Be.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And Then....
A few days later when I resume the writing of this post...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One power outage when NOTHING worked out here in the country, not even 911... (not as drastic as that sounds, it was only for 8 hours)...
One experience of a food and farm conference where Everyone, farmer or eater, spoke the same language I have been trying to articulate for years in a deadened Suburban area...
One day later after we had my folks here to scope out homes and property...
Three days after intense orientation in my newest job setting, barrage of information, union negotiations of which I have zero experience, system changes, people changes, all changes...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I can still say the same thing. My breathe catches when I see pine trees on the long drive home from these long days of orientation to new things. My mind slows as I realize that I have time to breathe here. My smile lifts as the girl at the check out stand asks me about my day.

Utopia does not exist. It is a dangerous thing to play with the idea that there is a more perfect place to be in the Universe than the one you are Now. But when you give up the perfect, embrace the idea that the Dreaming is a good thing and also a thing to Follow...

Life as is changes; Dinner still needs to get to the table, jobs still need to be done and cars still break down at the most inopportune of times. But you? You feel lighter, looser, happier and more capable.

Let me rephrase, Not You. I. I feel those things.

And that makes me feel like sharing for the first time in a long time.

Hello, from our new Home. :) Glad to be back