Spring has Sprung (and gone here in Southern California)
I write my best at 2 a.m. lately. Thing is, I am not really writing, composing would be more accurate. Lying on my left side, mind racing, desperately trying to self-soothe to sleep, I start to mentally write my next post. The night has no sanctuary for me now, this late in the pregnancy. I sleep, at best, 2 hour stretches, usually waking to the call, you know, the one requiring a bathroom jaunt. The call triggers my tightening, which then needs to settle down so I can relax, which then triggers the thought process. And once the thought process is back in play, sleep sits at a sideline. I used to be an excellent sleeper and anticipate that someday I will return to a modicum of my old ways. For now I think of it as training. Who knows what sleep will come once these little people arrive.
Pregnancy has been interesting for me, what with the twins and all the others bits. It has not been terrible…just so very different. My life looks so different, but that I anticipated. I love the changes that have happened, the belly that I have access to all day long. Nothing beats rubbing concentric circles around and around when I need some soothing. I cannot complain of edemetatous ankles, my ring fits, my nails are strong and skin clear…yes, there are definite points towards positive pregnancy views. The heartburn sucks, and I mean sucks…this from a girl who never had a day of GERD in my life. First Tums I ever bought was when I was 4 months gravid. The meds I am on exacerbate the already present heartburn, but this too shall pass. Do I wish I could get up and take a walk? Yes. Do I wish that the days consisted of something other than reclining in various horizontal positions? Oh yes. But again, this too shall pass.
The reality of two little people is starting to sink in, the whole gamut of changes and things that will need to be done and learned…having the invaluable support of my parents who have courageously brought 8 children into this world and (key) raised them well is so appreciated. My mom and I talk, she tells me about one child vs. another, what she tried, learned and abandoned. I do not want to raise our boys by a rule book or method, I just want to raise them well.
It took awhile for me to come around to the idea of children of our own. I have always loved little ones and have extensive experience in the realm of child/baby from work and life. There was a period of time when I was adamantly against having our own. My husband and I have been together since our late teens, stretching and shaping our adulthoods together along the way. We are approaching 12 years of sharing our lives, so despite being relatively young, we consciously chose not to have children for all that time.
What changed? First, I read a book called Ishmael. Then my husband read it. The book itself helped to solidify an idea, a concept I had forming in my mind as I matured, a way of looking at and interpreting our current world. It clarified certain things I needed clear, it energized my belief system in this place as an interconnected space where we all have an amazing potential and effect on said space. The book did not convince me we were meant to follow the path of parenthood. It was something my husband said at a time when I was deeply questioning the idea of bringing forth more into a strained world. He said to me “We can bring a soldier for Ishmael to the world.” Please do not be off-put by the word ‘soldier’. It is not meant literally, if you have read the book, it would make sense. I mulled over the statement he made for some time and it changed something in me, something shifted, clicked, quieted…hard to explain, it just did. And we tried, succeeded, and discovered there would be not one, but two little people to bring forth, to ‘soldier’ on. We have long discussion of late, talking about the future, our hopes and dreams for our children, ourselves. We talk of goals and things that we have already achieved. We reminisce about our travels and laugh about how limited our scope is at this current time. All this is helping us shift our focus and it feels wonderful. I ask him, “How are the beans today?” and with the most confident smile he replies “Just fine.” Without him I would be lost, afraid. Instead, I feel empowered and beautiful. It sure does help to have the best partner at my side at this time. And I sure do love him.
Anyway, I wanted to write a bit about this pregnancy, it is something I reflect on a lot. I know each woman has a different experience and a different lens that they view pregnancy through. I want to say that it is truly transformative, literally and figuratively. It is a time of surging, changing, recreating oneself and preparing for a new role, and it is so intimate. I will always cherish this time, despite the challenges. Bed rest has given me the opportunity to stop and reflect. I know my boys so well already, the way one likes to run his knuckles along my ribs, the way the other gets regular hiccups that vibrate my pelvic floor (yeah, weird), the bumps, jabs, and rolls. It will be so interesting to meet them on this side of the womb. And yes, despite our recent 90 degree temps, I am still knitting them little ensembles inspired heavily by this blog and others past projects. My fellow knitting friend Ana said we will just crank up the a/c and then do dress up with them. That should be fun, eh? ‘Til then.