Now I know I have read it and heard it and seen it happen to others over and over, but now I believe it. This parenting thing, this baby thing, it just keeps changing, doesn’t it? It just keeps evolving; our rhythms and your rhythms, our wants for you and your needs from us. There is no constant in this except for the love that flows from us and that we start to witness coming back from you.
This has been a hard month but also a rewarding one. And I can reflect and say that about all the previous ones too. Because it is hard…to be on constant duty, constant alertness, constant demand…but it is the constancy we want to provide for you. It has required some interesting sacrifices, ones of sleep and occasionally nutrition. But also of Self. It makes me ask myself what is my Self? Before I was Mama I was Amiee, now I am Mama with the occasional Amiee thrown in. but that is starting to even out in new ways.
Before I had you two in my life I felt a bit aimless, and bit undirected. I was 30, I was somewhat enjoying my work life and I was free with my time and what extra money was to be had lying around. The friends your Daddy and I have had through the years were changing themselves, we were all moving into new and varied stages in life and watching each other sometimes grow together and sometimes apart. It is interesting to reflect now on that time because there was preparation in our lives for you, but then, it is true that one is never really prepared.
Now my days look so different. It is true that I keep them fairly structured in order to provide you two with the constancy and security to allow you to grow and change and develop. Sometimes this constancy feels restricted and tight on my person, other times it is a comfort, to know what you need and when you need it. We wake up and eat, we play, we nap, we repeat until Daddy gets home then we have our evenings. My favorite part of the day comes at 6 p.m. that is when we go to the park up the street. We take the Meesh, a big blankie, a few toys and tennis balls galore for the doggy to fetch. We rarely need the toys as the two of you lay on your backs and watch the trees. Your fascinated gazes watch the bend and sway and when the wind comes you both kick and squirm like it is unbelievably awesome that something could make those trees move so. Mason, you have taken to this rapid breathy breathing when you get really excited, like it is all so cool you can hardly take a breath. And Owen, you really love the trees, like, really love them. They hold your attention and even when you start to tire out, we can distract you with their presence.
This month we were witness to the great accomplishment of rolling from back to tummy by you, Owen. We watched the initial stages, when you learned to pull legs to side, scissoring them in the air then finally reaching them down to the ground. Next the head, rotated at such an extreme angle we pondered the possibility that it could maybe just spin around. You got a bit stuck there for a few days, with the weight of your head preventing any further progress. Then I showed you once or twice how to lift the noggin, an, lo and behold, not a day later you were very deliberately lifting your head with great concentration and determination. And even using the force of momentum. And it was intentional and continues to be, the only issue Mama has is that you cannot quite figure out how to get back to supine when you are done with prone, so that is where Mama comes in.
Mason, little guy, you have different interests. Your toes for one.
They fascinate you, you curl and stretch out your toes in ways that would make Monica, my yoga instructor, proud. You study them, their positions and flexibility, you tug on them and almost fit them into your mouth. Not quite yet, but soon. And just days after Owen’s mastery of the roll over you started in the bending, sidelying archy position that got your brother so far. Almost as if you watched Owie and thought, yeah, that looks cool, I think I’ll do it too.
I think we are witnessing the future developments, how it might unfold between you two. Owen, you excel in motor skills, so adventurous and almost restless in your movements and ways. Not one to be left too long in one position or place, you like cuddling and grabbing, especially Mama’s boobies, well, what is left of them. Macie, you are our social butterfly, ready to chat and interact with any and all passerbys and family members. Easily startled, but even easier to provoke laughter from you, you are so free with your smiles and giggles. I think you watch and learn the strengths from each other, and share these during your private evening sleeps.
Your needs are becoming so varied and new and the challenge to keep up sometimes
seem impossible. Now the Gymini is your best friend, the rings we once dangled and tried to get your attention with are your best friends and hand puppets are your best friends and actually entertain you. Because movement is developing but not yet developed the challenge is to keep you interested in something while in any one position. So, if you add up two babies, two hours of play time and multiple activities, well, that adds up to one tired out mama. This month you discovered the joy of pool swimming, when temps hit 110 we hit Shelly’s salt water pool many an afternoon. Now fall is approaching and our little baby pool (used on those days we could not get to the real pool) lies in a forlorn heap in the backyard, to be put away until next year.
There were days this month when I felt great despair, not over you, but over all that this is. It is so hard sometimes, but I am reassured by Omi and others that I am doing okay, a good job, you are fine….I hear these things and try to believe that it is all right. I have been reading this book on a slow but daily basis, just to help re-establish some spirituality and reflection time for myself. I love Dr. Dyer’s messages and have taken to using the mantra, “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way”. Simple yet powerful reminder to this Mama that I can choose how to view the challenge and blessing of having twins. This amazing CD has helped quiet my restless mind when insomnia strikes, the chanting somehow allows me to let it go, to remember each moment is new, each day is new.
Today I went on a quick trip out with you, Mason. Owen, you stayed with Omi and played and slept. Mason, you were the best shopping companion. It was so easy, we sailed into the Children’s Orchard and picked up bunched of cool weather clothes, we hit up Trader Joe’s and bought tea and wine and pasta sauce, we quickly and efficiently executed all that needed to be done without a hitch. I thought to myself, “This one baby thing is a breeze…” and a little part of me felt bad for feeling that. The time we were out I kept thinking about Owie and what he was up to. I enjoyed our solo time and will have to do a trip with Owen, but it made me realize that you two are just entwined in my heart, my life and my arms. There is not one without the other. And though I know it is harder than the having one at a time (thanks to all those folks that constantly point that out to me), I could not imagine our lives any different.
So, as we keep growing and changing, as we provide that constant that you need, remember your Mama loves you and looks forward to all that is coming…all the changes and all the constants.