Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The weird thing is I cannot stop thinking you have been here half a year. The year thing is relative, half the time I cannot figure out what I have done for the last 4 or 5, when things happened, etc. but this half year, your half year birthday, I am pretty sure I will remember it. This month marked some new happenings, new experiences. I finally ventured into the world of the MOM (moms of multiples) group with the encouragement of my wonderful triplet mom friend, I went back to a semblance of work, I watched you as your new eating skills unfolded and we took an extended car ride to the beautiful Lake Tahoe.
The first happening with the twin mom thing could not have had better timing. I was a bit apprehensive at the meet up, unsure of where I might fit, what might be asked, if I would be the one mama with little ones and everyone else would be discussing their toddlers. It was an opportune night to join them because though the majority of mamas were way past our stage I ended up meeting Amanda, another mama with boy/girl twins just a month ahead of you two. It was her first visit too and We quickly fell into deep and serious discussion about sleeping and feeding and play issues, all of it making absolute sense to the other. She gave me such great encouragement and support, and hope, oh sweet hope that the introduction of rice cereal into your cute little bellies might spell some more and better sleep for the whole family.
And meeting up with these mamas made me realize how very different my experience is. I try not to think of myself as ‘special’ or ‘different’
in this journey of motherhood. I read other blogs of new mamas and sometimes marvel at their productivity and sometimes despair at my lack of it. And then, the realization hits….uh, I have two babies. Two. At the same time. And that makes me different. I have yet to find a blog out there of another mama raising 6 month old twins…I wish I could. But meeting Amanda has been a great way to connect to another person in the same experience as myself….and a great reminder that I am not any other mama than the one I am.
The food thing, well, it is working. We are working on it. I was unsure if 5 months was the right time, but watching you two sit in your seats at the end of the table while the big persons ate, making chewing motions as we gobbled what we could in our allotted hands free time, well, it convinced me it was time. As with any new parent embarking on the next step, I cautiously measured and doled out the organic brown rice cereal from our local market, carefully placed two different spoons of contrasting colors, carefully placed you in your captain chairs with trays and extra spoons for your banging pleasure. Then of course, pandemonium broke loose as I tried to solo feed two unschooled hungry and not quite cooperative babies their first meals of what daddy fondly refers to as ‘cardboard’. I am happy to report the feeding/food thing is getting easier. Mason, you are a champ with the spoon, all smiles until the real hunger pains strike or you get a glimpse of the bottle. Owen, not so much, you have that classic face of disgust that one can see so often on America’s Funniest Home Videos…but you do eat. And your reactions are the exact opposite than I anticipated. Funny, how you always keep me guessing. I worry that it is too early, I worry that I am doing it wrong, and then I give it up to god, you know, whichever one it is that is listening that day.
Work, ah, work. What an interesting conundrum. Because I love it. I love the validation that comes from my ability to perform a non-mama related task. I do it almost automatically, all the years of experience come into play and allow me to do it…and enjoy it. But in the back of my mind I am rushing home to find out how you are, what you did, did you eat??? Yadda, yadda, and I have only been gone for an hour or two. There were many years when working was just a chore, now it is a reward. I make a bit of a difference in the lives of the people I see, I contribute to the household and I get out of the house. And getting out of the house is tantamount to a treat. Interesting, how being your mama pulls me in so many ways, in different directions and realizations and desires and choices. But always being pulled.
I am making a resolution to do this. I need to release some fears and heavy weights that have followed me, even before you two came to me. I want to come cleansed and renewed to all your days. When I first read Jen’s blog entry I remember thinking this is what I need. It has been really up and down in my emotional world lately, one minute I feel capable and the next I want to run. The future occasionally seems so daunting with all the things that you will need and that you do need now. I have never felt so out of my element. But I know these feelings are normal (well, sometimes I do. Other times I am convinced PPD is looming right around the corner). And I try to remind myself I am pretty darn new at this, the whole self sacrifice thing, 24 hour duty thing, the whole mama thing. There are some really great bloggers that approach these feelings and their challenges head on in writing, for that I am truly grateful. Because it is not all happiness and light…but it sure is worth all of it when I get those smiles and feel those sweet plump arms that circle my neck now when I pick you both up.
How the time flows is really up to how I think about it. If I let it go, let the hard parts go, accept that I will have spit up on every item of clothing by 5 p.m., that one of you will have a melt down at some point in the next 24 hour period, that I will likely have a few brief moments of respite while you peacefully nap together (during which time I sometimes do this, but other times just sit there thinking of what I could/should be doing), well, that is when things go okay. If I fight it, well, that is when they do not. And the reminder that this is the only time I will get to see you like this, in this state, well, it is bittersweet. I thought when I was stroking your velvety heads the other night….you will never be this small again,
I will not get another chance to feel you in this state ever again. You will keep growing, shedding babyness and gaining boyness, leaving me with vauge memories of blurry days and nights. Already I cannot really remember what it was like at the start. That is why these posts to you continues, even when I feel tapped out. I know I must for you, for me, for us.
Owen, you fell in love with your doggy this month.
You started to notice her, then you could not take your eyes off of her. You watched as she fetched, as she jumped, as she got close and tried to lick you (yeah, mama is not ready for that yet). But you are enraptured by her. I know you have your daddy’s genes, though your looks mirror not his face, because you love that animal in a way only he understands. And Mace, my sweet baby Mason, something has mellowed in you. Your feisty bits have smoothed, your smiles grow larger and so genuine, your industriousness and independence keeps developing. You are content to be in one spot, unlike your brother who struggle to MOVE and move now, you sit and play, patiently exploring the varied aspects of your closest toy. And still you ‘teach’ each other your latest. I could not describe the yoga fish move you now both practice so I will just have to capture it in a photo…and do not worry, readers, they have yet to break their necks. Believe me, at first I worried but powerless to stop them, well, I just learned to watch in awe as they explore all that their little bodies can do.
Now we are embarking on the second half of your first year here…we have so many things to do and try and be. It is daunting and exciting. I have made it this far with the two of you intact…guess I have not screwed up too badly yet. But just know that when I do, because I will; when I try new things with you that do not work or you do not like, or let you get a bump because I was not vigilant enough, or drag you to one too many outings because I have to get out of the house….just know your mama loves you and is trying her very best.
I will always try my very best. And I will always love you more than any other because you are mine and I am yours. Kisses, baby Beans.