Tuesday, August 04, 2009

So, my version of an existential navel gazing blog post coming up, just to warn you. (Smile from me).

I have been thinking about this blog lately, prompted by reading about some of the happenings at Blogher and then by some of the great bloggers found due to reading about Blogher. The conference has always been somewhat fascinating and scary to contemplate, the thought of all. those. women gathered in one spot. Whew. Awesome and scary all at once.

But back to blogging, me and a place in this world. It feels like lately my blog is an afterthought, skipping from craft to craft, a half look into what life really looks like around here. Sometimes when I read back I feel like the quality of my writing has suffered, not improved, as time has moved forward. The proverbial mama brain everyone claims in those infant months seems sharper and more realistic and in touch than my recent tepid efforts put to page.

I know in part what the 'problem' is, my return to the workforce has changed so much in my life, so very many places inside of me. The line up of posts of 'hand made' things march along, a bit of a disingenuous mask, seeming to say to me 'look at all of this time I have to do things'. In reality, lately, I have not been sleeping enough, not thinking enough, not stopping enough, not really meeting any of my duties well enough.

Working right now is essential but I attend to it like a reluctant teenager at times, avoiding paperwork and delaying appointments. I would like to say I am a good employee but marginally adequate is probably the best description. I can't say I hate working, can't say I love it, I do it because I have to and I am grateful that it is there. But I am finding it saps a lot of things, my creative energy, my time (of course) and my ability to focus. I dedicate time to making things because it enlivens the part of me that needs more than to just walk through days, but that too takes its time. And then I feel guilty, wasting a little bit more energy on that state, energy better used reading the boys a book rather than fretting that I did not.

I think what I am finding is that I have to decide how to make my precious Time work better for me. Managing it all is not getting easier, I find myself feeling more fractured and discombobulated than I did in the infant months. At least then there was a laser focus created by the demands of two infants, simple and easily defined tasks that I could meet. Now, I am all over the place and it is taking its toll. I want to feel more present and connected, less harried and dull.

Last week I got really really sick. Sicker than I have been in years. I think it was the Swine flu, for a few days I was literally bedridden, a little bit delusional and almost unable to care for myself, much less my family. I laid in bed at one point imagining my white blood cells eating the virus (told you I was delusional) and it struck me how very out of sync I am with my body, with my mind, with my Self. I used to meditate, I used to dream about things, I used to be a lot braver. And now I just float. And I am thinking that is not a terribly good thing.

So, I am taking this week to do a few things. I am re-evaluating what I can do to re-engage while balancing what I need to do with what I want to do.

I am deciding how I can fit dreaming and story telling and creating back into my daily life. And how I can use this space to chronicle not only the things I make, but the things I think and need to work on and want to share.

I know there are tools and places and ideas that foster the things I am craving. I am committing to finding and connecting with folks that share the desire to take a life that feels too ordinary and settled and shaking it up a little bit.

I do want change and growth and energy...and I am realizing this place can be more than what it is right now. Here is hoping that taking a fresh perspective on blogging will lead to a few more fresh perspectives in other places.


Sadia said...

Post-infancy had been more overwhelming for me too. Perhaps we expect more from ourselves as our children learn to fend for themselves. I don't think I expected balance from myself during the first year, the way I do now.

I'm glad you're taking time to find the center.

LauraC said...

Ditto what Sadia said. This past year has been the toughest for me. Part of it is working full-time. Part of it is Jon traveling so much. Awhile ago I realized some things had to give so I made a list of the things I want to do and made some tough decisions about things that needed to leave my life. We got along fine for the first couple of years blowing off things with the twins as an excuse and when we finally stopped that excuse, we found we were just as busy.

But my blog, well, it had to stay. But I have always had a strict focus to it - my daily journal of our lives. And I have the space to write it bc I sit down and write it as soon as the boys leave the house before I start working.

I hope you find your path. I feel the last year I have fully understood what it means when they say balancing the demands of motherhood.

jennifer said...

i can feel and completely appreciate your unsettled-ness. this too shall pass, aimee. you'll find your way through it and be even more inspiring on the other side.

falk_K said...

I agree that finding time for everything you want to do and being perfect at everything, like I too want to be, is a real challenge. But, I also want to say, "DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF!" Chances are you are doing more than better at work, etc. I hope you do find a way to keep posting, but I completely understand if you decide to forgo for a while or forever. I have been there too! My dirty little secret is post-dating ;) It felt a bit disingenuous at first, but now I think it keeps my post a little more focused.

Preeti said...

Focusing on the here and now really helps me find the balance I need. I really hope that writing all this down will help you sort through all of the many loves and desires while finding a way to incorporate them every now and again into your life.

I remember feeling all jumbled up when my son was just a toddler and how all of it settled down when he grew into a little boy and didn't want to be "helped" any more with everything. I remember feeling like I'd suddenly grown wings. Now, it's time for stuff to be jumbled all over again, but I know that those wings are waiting for me.

Sereknitty said...

It's always a challenge to find balance in life, between our work that we must do and the things that we really want to do. It'll come ... be patient!

Amy said...

Just stopping by to say that I loved your comment on Neil's post about the "Blog with Integrity" thing. VERY. FUNNY.

Also, this post echos so much of what I've been feeling lately, so thank you.