mamieknits

So, my version of an existential navel gazing blog post coming up, just to warn you. (Smile from me).

I have been thinking about this blog lately, prompted by reading about some of the happenings at Blogher and then by some of the great bloggers found due to reading about Blogher. The conference has always been somewhat fascinating and scary to contemplate, the thought of all. those. women gathered in one spot. Whew. Awesome and scary all at once.

But back to blogging, me and a place in this world. It feels like lately my blog is an afterthought, skipping from craft to craft, a half look into what life really looks like around here. Sometimes when I read back I feel like the quality of my writing has suffered, not improved, as time has moved forward. The proverbial mama brain everyone claims in those infant months seems sharper and more realistic and in touch than my recent tepid efforts put to page.

I know in part what the 'problem' is, my return to the workforce has changed so much in my life, so very many places inside of me. The line up of posts of 'hand made' things march along, a bit of a disingenuous mask, seeming to say to me 'look at all of this time I have to do things'. In reality, lately, I have not been sleeping enough, not thinking enough, not stopping enough, not really meeting any of my duties well enough.

Working right now is essential but I attend to it like a reluctant teenager at times, avoiding paperwork and delaying appointments. I would like to say I am a good employee but marginally adequate is probably the best description. I can't say I hate working, can't say I love it, I do it because I have to and I am grateful that it is there. But I am finding it saps a lot of things, my creative energy, my time (of course) and my ability to focus. I dedicate time to making things because it enlivens the part of me that needs more than to just walk through days, but that too takes its time. And then I feel guilty, wasting a little bit more energy on that state, energy better used reading the boys a book rather than fretting that I did not.

I think what I am finding is that I have to decide how to make my precious Time work better for me. Managing it all is not getting easier, I find myself feeling more fractured and discombobulated than I did in the infant months. At least then there was a laser focus created by the demands of two infants, simple and easily defined tasks that I could meet. Now, I am all over the place and it is taking its toll. I want to feel more present and connected, less harried and dull.

Last week I got really really sick. Sicker than I have been in years. I think it was the Swine flu, for a few days I was literally bedridden, a little bit delusional and almost unable to care for myself, much less my family. I laid in bed at one point imagining my white blood cells eating the virus (told you I was delusional) and it struck me how very out of sync I am with my body, with my mind, with my Self. I used to meditate, I used to dream about things, I used to be a lot braver. And now I just float. And I am thinking that is not a terribly good thing.

So, I am taking this week to do a few things. I am re-evaluating what I can do to re-engage while balancing what I need to do with what I want to do.

I am deciding how I can fit dreaming and story telling and creating back into my daily life. And how I can use this space to chronicle not only the things I make, but the things I think and need to work on and want to share.

I know there are tools and places and ideas that foster the things I am craving. I am committing to finding and connecting with folks that share the desire to take a life that feels too ordinary and settled and shaking it up a little bit.

I do want change and growth and energy...and I am realizing this place can be more than what it is right now. Here is hoping that taking a fresh perspective on blogging will lead to a few more fresh perspectives in other places.