Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A Month of Me :: No Mas

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol


They help. They hurt. It is all determined by the circumstance, the intake, the history, the person. I am voting yes on Prop 19 here in California because it is pot. Not junk or meth.
And I like beer. A lot.

I thought I would give a nod to the whole 30 day thing.

So, uh, I left the 30 day thing way back when because I got a regular (but temp) paying job a week back. It is lovely. It is mundane. It is different. It is money. It is breathe of fresh air into my practice which had become 'what it was' since the birth of my children.

It keeps me from them for more hours than I am accustomed to. I leave and now as the Fall approaches I come home sometimes close to dinner time. The light is limning. I am only wanting to see them.

Then I have to make dinner. Or jam in sewing. Or have a glass of wine. And then make dinner. Listening to Pandora set to The Smiths radio, of which I am all kinds of enamored right now. I think that has something to do with turning 35 next week and feeling my roots, you know?

And I ask myself "What is this? This excitement to work at my 'job' again?". Because this is good stuff. And they are good stuff, obviously. And the pull of guilt begins, as does the need to assuage the pull.

I do it through library books read to them, watching them play, letting them play, some wine and beer, talking to Tim about the pull, listening to my Mama fill me in their latest endeavors which I missed, talking to their teacher/my friend on the phone about their latest school endeavors, making dinner.

There is no road map for this life. This one that we are living. I mean, me and my family. There is no longer clarity; just this is what I want, this is what we need, this is what they need and this is what we can do. And the delicate balance of it all makes it that much more alive.

As do they. Oh, as do they.

*And really, on the drug and alcohol front, really? Who cares what I think? This is what happens when I sign on for some internettens 30 day thing.

All pictures by Tim. Just so you know.


LauraC said...

To assuage the guilt, I always remind myself it is the quality of the time, not the quantity. From 5-8 every day the boys are my main focus (and sometimes 7-8:30AM if it is my morning to get up). Just as I want them to pursue their passion, I follow my passion.

Guilt has been forefront on my mind lately as we move to the larger house. It is BEYOND delicate to try to fit in this quality time when my brain and body is so busy busy busy.

I Saw You Dancing said...

You are totally onto it, my friend.
I often hear myself saying, to my husband, my sister, whomever will listen, "There's no right answer. No perfect solution. Just do your best, with good intentions. You are strong enough to own the consequences and it will be OK." Of course, this doesn't always sink into my own heart when I need it most, but I see the truth of it every day.
I love the way you see the beauty in the chaos. xx