Role play

We all play roles in life; there are the conventional ones like sister, daughter, employee, and wife. These are roles I have had in my life, but it all changed drastically in the past year. The year 2006 brought a lot of unique experiences that have spilled over into 2007 and I would like to reflect on them.

When we decided to try in August it was a decision that was a long time coming, one I was terrified and alternately excited about. I had changed jobs in anticipation of success at impregnation, but basically my last day of work coincided with my first day of pregnancy. People who know me would not be surprised as my personality has a bit of dictatorship to it. One of my roles that family teases about is my role as ‘General” in a family of 10. I’m ‘that’ one, the Organizer, and the slightly manic, occasionally way too controlling one. It is a bit of a joke, but my family loves me and has yet to reject me.

That role changed when I was put on bedrest at 24 weeks, now my role was ‘invalid’. Don’t get me wrong, I was not incapable of action, it just had to be from bed. Right before the bedrest I was doing yoga 3-4 times a week, walking 3 miles a day with Meesh, managing the house, working a few hours a week. Then, bam!, nothing. Walking to the kitchen set off contraction, peeing did, moving did. The panic crept a bit, but I used meditation and hyponosis to manage. The one role that did not resurface during this time was my Panic Disorder side, for which I will be eternally grateful. I had received a bit of meds in the past to help control it (in 2003) and was really determined to not let it back into my life. I am proud of my success and wanted to share that little bit, especially for those of you that overestimate my capabilities because I always smile and laugh. But the role of ‘invalid’ was eased by excellent support and lasted 12 weeks of my life, 12 weeks I will never forget. That time is recorded in my private journal and on this blog a bit, the gnarly parts edited so as to not scare other moms-to-be.

That role ended April 24, 2007 around 1 p.m. when Dr. Tam told me we could go into surgery that night. It was so scary and also such a relief. The last week of pregnancy was marked by constant contractions, instructions to go to hospital once they hit 10 an hour, meds to stop it, discharge home, and repeat 2 days later. My body was falling apart, my spirit was faltering. Doc wanted 37 weeks but it was truly impossible. So, in we went. And out they came. Some day I will write about their birth, probably not here as it is a hazy, somewhat terrible memory at this point. Being in the medical field makes me suffer the administration of any medical procedure with too much knowledge and abject terror. But we did it, Tim and I got through it and that is really all that counts.

And then the role I most want to talk about, even though there is no way to convey it. Some roles come gradually…college graduate, adult, or friend. Mother, this does not. It slams into you, it crashes onto you and you cannot imagine another life, the one you had before, the one where they were not here. The role of pregnant woman/mom-to-be comes along gradually; sure, your body changes, but these happen with a slow unfolding, stretching, growing. Not so Mother…it is an irrevocable change and you know you would never relinquish this role, never let anyone take it, touch it, challenge it. The fierceness of it with the love that flows out is soothing at times, bewildering at others, so you just ride it. Waking up with torpedo tits the day your milk comes in...winch, take a photo and try to soothe ‘em in the shower. Dipe filled right after you wrestled the crazy bendy feet into the sock…yes, mom, you have to change it. And it is okay, because then you pick one up, put their cheek to your lips and feel…feel it. Feel it all. And you cannot speak, you can only feel.
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I will write more, some about Tim, the man that in the space of 2 minutes became father to two and in a space of 10 hours after their birth had already fed, changed a myconium diaper, and looked at his wife’s c-section incision without barfing. He deserves his own post. I will say I feel like I have fallen in love again, our stay at Huntington Memorial Hospital was like a honeymoon; Tim likened it to a Vegas trip with babies as the jackpot. If you deliver here, you will be so very, very happy. All the staff and docs are amazing and they have room service, and they care so much,and they make a bed for Dad and bring extra towels for him so he can shower too, and I felt as if they cherished our babies as we did. Use them if you can.

My mind is petering out; my beans are stirring for feeds, my Mother Role calls. I could not be happier.

They are Here!

Pounds gained during pregnancy : 37

Weeks of total bedrest: 12

Uterus measurement (pubis-fundus) : 43 cm

Combined baby weight : 11 #

Owen Alexander

&
Mason James :

Priceless

They arrives safely and happy on April 24, 2007 @ 1116 and 1117 via C-section.
Happy and healthy, able to come home from hospital with Mama and Papa.
Falling in love every minute, times two, is an unbelievable experience.

Not one thing I knit fits them. Not one. Oh well, I will just have to knit for myself now. Haha.

We have more pictures up here and hope to just keep adding until they fit in their handmade knitties. Thanks to the folks out there that sent their thoughts and prayers our way...it resulted in our joyful additions.

Seaming and dreaming

I have found my desire to write/blog somewhat lacking of late. I am also finding that there is a limit to one’s tolerance for discomfort and prolonged inactivity. My world is so shrunken in so many ways…and I see the finish line but feel like it could be a little closer…could it not? Of course, every pregnant woman entertains these thoughts in late third trimester, things like ‘I want it to be done’, ‘I wish I could…’ (shave my legs, haha, which I did yesterday in the most uncomfortable and awkward of ways, with a very spotty job, I might add…but shaved they are), or even ‘Um, baby? Could you take your elbow/knee/finger/head out of my lung/liver/cervix/small intestines?’. these thoughts are fleeting but becoming more frequent, intensified by the sheer number of limbs that are currently flailing internally. And by the joyful, if not discomfort inducing fact that we know both beans are weighing in well over 5 pounds. I don’t know why that weight seems so significant to me, it just made me happy to know they are really growing and healthy. So, the pregnancy goes forth, no conformation of date by m.d. but a reassuring discussion that if I do go into labor next week I will be allowed to deliver rather than have to take the meds that halt (or attempt to) contractions. I hate the meds because I shake like a crackhead, my heart rate skyrockets and I can barely knit because of hand tremors. You can see why I would like to avoid any more of these meds. But they sure do stop contractions. There was the somewhat ominous reassurance by said m.d. that once next week rolls around I will likely stop getting pre-term labor and have to sit and wait for 37 weeks to roll around. You know, Murphy’s law kinda’ thing. Believe me, I want these babies healthy and ready, but that selfish part is totally crying out to be free of this state.

I should have taken pictures of the only non-medical related trip I took with tim the other day. It is totally indulgent and consumer, but we bought this at good ol’ Costco. It was a purchase we had discussed for awhile…our old tube t.v. was acting strangely…purple glow bleeding across the bottom third of the 17” screen, loud cracking noises emanating from its thick body. We received our annual rebate from the Costco, discussed and promptly decided to apply it towards the LCD. So, out we went and I was wheeled into the big box warehouse by my lovely honey (I just cannot walk or stand for more than a minute without crushing contractions/back pain. Yay.) and the lady checking cards kept trying to offer me a motorized w/c, and everyone was staring…that is what it felt like, anyway. The whole transaction took 5-7 minutes (we smartly chose Wednesday night to go in) and I felt freakish the whole time. Sure, I was probably imagining the looks, but it made me realize I have really been isolated from everything for a long time. No interaction with the regular material world; no ventures into Target or Home Depot, no dinners out, grocery shopping (I so miss Trader Joe’s), no yarn excursions when there are really good sales, no knit nights with the ladies. Okay, I am being self-indulgent but there is a limit to this. Folks. You may think it is lovely to have so much time on one’s hands…ohhhhhh, the things I would do/knit/sew, you may think. Does not quite work out that well when all activities are performed from sidelying (usually the left side…it is like a 70/30 ratio of turning) with the occasional 5 minutes of sitting to spice things up.

But knit I have. Not as much as I would like, but I tend to drift off a lot lately…in thought, into sleep, away from any focused activity. And then there is the behemoth at the end of the bed that transmits fascinating scenes in HD. Now, I am into TV, not obsessively, but I have my programs, my girls, Martha and Ellen, and those delicious shows with dancing and singing. It provides a great time to knit and seems harmless enough, or it did, before bed rest and the behemoth. But this thing, this TV, if you can call it that, is unbelievable. It has all these crazy digital channels that it picks up…weather channels all day long…PBS (all 3 that we receive in LA) is in HD, I mean, it opened up my day. And still free…no money to any of those companies that want arms/legs per month for programming. HD is what they say, I was watching a program with a castle/garden scene and I thought the bees on the lavender in the foreground were in the room. In the room. Weird. I could just be hallucinating from increased TV watching time. It will likely keep me distracted in these last few weeks so I find I do not mind it’s presence. It sure is an upgrade.

Back to knits. Nothing really special to show other than another hoodie. I plan on making these little creatures to applique onto the front.
I have the felt and embroidery floss, now to just motivate in that direction. Next up is finishing a little vest I have had lying in a state of ennui for over a year (one of those baby knits I started then left unfinished under the superstitious thinking that it would curse impregnation attempts) and some little booties with EZ instruction for an afterthought heel to simplify the whole bootie process. It will be an experiment for sure.

Here is what twins on a 5’1” frame look like at 34+ weeks. The ability of the body, the female body, to do this is amazing. And not a little freakish also.

I also had to incluse a pic of my wonderful husband who has assumed every responsibility in our lives that cannot be performed on the internet/via computer. He spent most of his teen years working in kitchens, a few really nice restaurants, before he decided not to pursue the culinary arts. Now, he has rediscovered his talents for preparing lovely meals. I caught him yesterday in the kitchen, whipping up a brekky fit for a king (and a beach ball, ahem, me). All I can say is that I have never had doubt in my heart regarding us, our lives together, but these past three months have revealed the truest character of this man and it is solid, strong, generous and beautiful. He said something to me last night, that he was thinking: these are the last few days before he is going to be a dad for the rest of his life. It sounded a lot more profound than how I just recorded it, but I will not soon forget the look in his eyes. Anticipation and joy, not a speck of fear. I love this man.

Uh, more baby stuff, of course

I wish I had the babies to model the latest FO, my first tomten. Definitely not the last. As with all the EZ ideas, this one was both a pleasure and a bit of challenge to knit. I do love her organic instruction, but found a problem in my interpretation on this one. I own 2 EZ books, Knitting Workshop and Knitting Without Tears. I find I frequently use the Knitting Workshop, this is where I gleaned my instruction for the tomten. While ‘under construction’ I found that the proportions looked a little odd, recalled my 2nd book, and pulled it out. The instruction is much clearer in K w/o T, the numbers added up in a way that I assume (on my next tomten) will better resemble the tomtens displayed by the numerous lil’ cuties on some of the Zimmermaniac blogger sites. I hate ripping items, especially as my revelation came after I had picked up the 1st sleeve stitches…so I just knit on. I think the piece will fit a newbie for a bit…like a really new newbie. And then I might just hang it on a cute hanger on their wall until I have a friend who needs it. I love the elfin-ness of the pointed hood, so the photos reflect a little of the whimsy of the garden. The yarns used are: Lion Brand 100% Organic cotton and Cascade yarns Pima Tencel in 7478. I included the color # because it is the most brilliant and delicious red, think shiny candy apples with that hard cinnamon coating. Yummy. The organic cotton is nice and feels durable and….well, organic. I want to cast on for another, in the 1-2 year old range, with another shade of the organic cotton with the same red edging. The pompom was my fill-in for lack of button/toggle, plus Martha did a segment on pompom bunnies that inspired me. And it allowed me to use more deee-licious red.

Another little bit is more booties, I have sock yarn that was just sitting, so between hoodies I cast on this little ditty…I lurve these booties. Quick and cute, resembling moon boots in an odd way due to the bumpy sides. I thought argyle for the instep but went with simple stripes instead. One down, three to go. I am at the start of Hoodie 2, Hoodie 1 posted on here. This color just gleams; I am desperately in love with this yarn and think I may need to use it in a ‘grown-up’ piece once baby knitting peeters out.


Just a thought…memes crop up all over the posts/pages but I thought it might be cool to hear from other pregnant women on the subject of 5 Weird Things About My Pregnancy. Here is mine. If you are reading this and preggers, consider yourself tagged.


5 Weird Things About My Pregnancy

1. I do not have cravings. I do not want sweet, salty, pickly or otherwise. It just never materialized and I am almost done, still waiting…

2. I am having twins…this is not as weird now, but as first pregnancies go, it was weird when we found out. I don’t know why we were so shocked (they are natural twins) because my husband has 5 or so sets of twins in his genetic line, but still….twins!?!

3. None of the body stuff has freaked me out (yet). I thought it would be harder to be pregnant, I’ve heard some women complain of feeling as if their body has been hijacked. These feelings have not materialized, I just feel cool to be a huge human incubator (though it is wearing a little thin now.) The one weird body thing is my night sweats…I get them only in my boob area. I’ll wake soaked from neck to boob crease, but no other place. Anyone else? Didn’t think so.

4. I have been using hypnosis to get me through the bed rest/pre-term labor stuff. It is a program called Hypnobabies and for 45 minutes each day, I practice deep hypnosis that focuses on relaxation and preparation for birth. I have a feeling we may be looking at a C-section because of the beans’ position (the program advocates natural drug-free when possible) but in itself, the sessions calm me and give me a place full of peace and rest that I might have cracked without.

5. I wear very little maternity clothes. There are a few reasons for this. A) I do not leave the house a lot and B) loooong t-shirts and yoga pant were a staple pre-preggers. I find this ensemble most comforting. I do wish I could have modeled more of the adorable clothes one views in the multiple mags stocked at the OB’s office. Maybe next time…..j/k.

So, not terribly weird, but possibly interesting to other preggers. On yet another note, I had to include a few more backyard pictures. Spring does have its shining moments here in SoCal and I was struck by the lush foliage that is proliferating in our yard. We try to maintain a low care, native based plant population, with some exotic exceptions because my mom cannot resist plants…this is the joyful scene I encountered upon venturing out of my hole. So lovely. She explained that our dire lack of water this season actually seems to have helped certain plants/trees, the trumpet tree is pinker, the chinaberry more retrained in its canopy. I love it all. Cheers to green beauty.