Not every day is a good day. Some days I get up on the wrong side of the bed (oh, I mean off the mattress in the Bean's room where I have been since 2 a.m.). I am cranky and so are the boys. I get nothing done, I am hot and tired and thinking that the cycle of feeds and aching feet and back will never end. I get left alone with babies that refuse to nap and when they finally go down it is not at the same time. Husband comes home late and also had a bad day. There is nothing to eat in the kitchen. I watch everyone else go about their business and think about how I will never be first again in my life. The boys go schizo after a few minutes of the most fun family time we've ever had and we cannot get them to stop (babies are more unpredictable than crack heads sometimes, I swear.) We get them to sleep (until 11 at least) and I hop on here to write because I have to let it out in some forum. It has just been a bad day. Lest you think we are all smiles and light here in the Bean household, I have now dispelled the myth. Sorry, no pictures of this day, I'd rather just forget it anyway. I think I'll go knit now. Even though my hands hurt (Okay, enough, Amiee). Bye.
I just thought about the cuteness of the boys in those previous pictures and I realized Mamas are as schizo as the babies they love. Part and parcel of this whole thing, eh?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Uuuum, Adorable
I had to post this because our little Mason mastered the art of the 90 degree head lift. He looks excited about it, eh? Owen's been on it for at least a week now, but he seems to be the physical one. 
My lovely friend with triplets has a great saying, "They each will shine in their own time." I love thinking that, it is not that I worry, more so that we get to watch the development of two little people.
So, good job, kiddies. And you do not want to know the amount of vomit that exited Mason after this photo. Whew!
My lovely friend with triplets has a great saying, "They each will shine in their own time." I love thinking that, it is not that I worry, more so that we get to watch the development of two little people.
So, good job, kiddies. And you do not want to know the amount of vomit that exited Mason after this photo. Whew!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Mi Familia
Last weekend the final member of my immediate family met the Beans. My littlest sister (there is one in between) came down from Humboldt to meet her nephews. She ended up driving down with my other (middle) sister. She was so excited to be able to come to us (she is a VIP at her workplace and lives a 12 hour drive away so this was no easy feat). Since their birth she has been perusing their photos on Flickr and just dying to hold them. And I have to say she was the natural with them that I thought she would be.
It was an awesome family weekend with a trip to the beach, (any families looking for a great orange county beach should check out Salt Creek; grassy knolls, sandy beach and flush toilets. amen.) a lot of food and some extra time to sit in the backyard and talk over drinks, finally enjoying a bit of the summer nights. We had a delicious BBQ Saturday night. My middle sis, Manders, made sinfully creamy potatoes (ahhh, how I miss the calories breastfeeding burned off). My little sister is an excellent baker and prepared a light summer dessert
that we basically inhaled in a few minutes. There is a policy in our house, it stems from growing up with 8 siblings in one place at feeding times…it is “Get it while you can,“ it may not be pretty, but we are effective at not leaving leftovers.
I cannot complain about not having enough hands around to help, but there is something about having my sisters. There is an easiness with them. Watching them hold the Beans, watching them feeding and talking and playing with my sons, it made me realize there is no one like family out there. I loved it and they loved it and it was all good. One thing made me laugh. Little sis helped me out for the better part of Friday, the next day she commented on the intensity of caring for them…I guess I have just gotten used to it. For the most part.
I have so much to be grateful for. These boys are experiencing the world around them just as I had hoped. Lately my younger brothers have been sharing and caring, becoming more comfortable with the babies. They are in their late teens and are just about the age I was when they were born. They are stellar young men, really special.
I love watching their interactions with the boys, and the boys are truly fascinated by them too. I don’t know if it is their sheer size or something, the Beans are always riveted on them. I tend to think this is the best birth control ever…for my brothers to witness the reality of ‘baby’ before heading off to college and out into the world. It sure worked for me, Tim and I waited 12 years before entertaining the idea of parenthood. As tough as living communally can be at times, the sheer amount of extra hands around ensures some time out for this mama, and I really believe it makes a difference in the lives of our children. They have so many loving people who cherish them, not in a doting fashion, but in a lovely and supportive way.
Oddly enough, I feel like the house is empty half the time. You have to understand that I grew up here with 9 other people in constant attendance, not to mention the periods when my mom had a home daycare, or when waves of friends would descend on the place because they know how we cook here. Dinner was often served daily for 10-14 people, all sitting together at the table and sharing. Just a regular meal…not a holiday celebration. In the last few years, as we spread out a bit, bought houses, moved around, the number dwindled to 6-8, an adjustment, to be sure. 
But now, well, often there are only 5-7 at the table….and there are some days when it is just Tim and I. We are already having the Beans sit in their captain chairs while we eat together at the evening meal, just to encourage and introduce them to the idea of eating as a family. So, I guess we can count them.It is a blessing and a challenge to grow up with a family of my size. It helps that we like each other. But I am finding that I miss my siblings more than ever lately. I did not feel this way in my early 20s when we all were establishing ourselves and our lives, we shared them but did not always have to be near.
Now, with the boys, I wish I could gather the further ones closer so we could drop in on each other whenever. I wish my sisters were around the corner and that those rare family dinners occurred frequently. It is enough to see them when we do, but also not enough. I love that in our lives we have little desire to compete with each other, rather we support each other. There is a possibility my middle sister will come to stay a bit with us , just the idea makes me giddy. And she knows how to sew, and she has a rad machine. I told her not to tease me with the possibility…just to come back if she can. But it really brings home the fact that my family is my foundation. Tim and I have fostered a life with these people. It is a good life.
I can truly say now the Beans have been introduced into the world that will be theirs. They have met and been held and cared for by the people who will be their mainstays. Their uncles (all 5 of those crazy guys) will be taking them surfing and camping and skateboarding and lego-ing (you should see the size of the storage box in the garage). Their aunts will cook and sew for them. Their GP’s will love them and watch them. And their parents will get the occasional breather to sit down together, gaze across a table at Café Allegro and smile at the blessings brought our way. What can be better than family? Not much.
A huge and loving thank you to any and all family members reading this today. You make our lives lovely. Kisses and hugs from family Yates.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Third Month
The third time is the charm, that is what they say. It is passing quickly, boys, and this third month has taught me an important lesson. It is one of Instinct. We are so conditioned in this day and age to forget, ignore, shun or avoid Instinct. I, usually one who feels attuned to this side of myself, fell into the trap. You know the one (or if I can help it you won’t have to know), it is that voice of our current culture, the one that says it knows best.
You see, it started with those dang baby magazines, with splashy ads and made up mommies, with tidbits of advice and catchy articles about how to make baby sleep. The message was that this parenting thing could be handled by perusing a scant 40 page mag on a monthly basis and, of course, getting the latest thing to help baby along. The glossiness of it all is so well packaged these days, you almost believe it. Not to sound too cynical, but these mags are better left in the waiting room at the O.B.’s. Wouldn’t you know Mama brought them all home. To my credit, I did not keep them all, just tore out the pages of the cutest stuff.
Well, then we moved on to the well-meaning books putting forth theories on the ‘right’ way to raise a baby. They claim there is a way to create the happiest,
cutest, calmest, smartest baby there could be. Oh, the books, they mean well, each author has walked the path of parenthood and has something to say, some sage advice that works, really works. They forget they base their work on their own personal instinct that bears their unique shape, form, and flavor of life. I cannot say that their methods do not work, but I cannot say that their methods do. I did not even know I was looking for an instruction manual until I picked up these books. I remember reading them before thinking, “This is so great! All I have to do is this and all will go well.” Such naiveté, to think raising a baby could be encompassed in a book.
And then there is the Tribe. The Tribe that gathers when a new life comes here to us. This Tribe can be close family or it can be that random person in Costco. The people out there with words and words that tell you true to form every thing that went well and every thing that did not, every tip tried and every tip that failed for them. And the Tribe means so well, usually. They do not hear what they say when they say, “Oh, twins, that must be so hard. I cannot imagine. Etc, etc…“ or the comments of “Double trouble” or “Just you wait…“. The Tribe loves to talk and, at times, they hear not what they say.
The occasional whisper of ‘You will know what is right’ is voiced, but it can drown in the sea of advice, articles and information. It can be swept away by a culture of fear that tells you not to raise a clingy child, put a baby on their belly or touch the world out there without then sterilizing yourself before coming to your baby. Those whispers can be drowned by the swirls of thought that race round the mind saying, “I am not doing this right, I am fucking up something, I cannot do this, I do not know how.”
And then it can all be silenced by taking a deep breath and focusing…on your eyes, your softest cheek ever, the limbs that are growing and changing into sturdy little plump deliciousness that Mama gets to gobble on whenever she wants. And the breathlessness stops, and the breathing from the heart begins.
Books may say you are ‘Touchy’ or ‘Spirited’, but you are Mason to me, a person not a personality. I know you better each day. I know there are days when nap means Mama next to you with your hand clutching the neck of my shirt and your feet buried into the tummy with the soft stretched skin that once held you. There are days when you can lay and move for what seems forever, waving your tiny arms, white fisted at the ends, looking like you are driving a race car (as coined by a flickr viewer), giggling and chuckling and cooing away. And the ever-seeking of the thumb now, I watch as you get it, lose it, get it again and I see real consternation in your facial expression. And like your Mama, you smile all the time, whether you want to or not. I see it already, that you will walk like me through life, with that smile. It is not fake, but in some ways obligatory.
Books may say you are “Grouchy’ or ‘Sensitive’ but you are Owen to me. You can chill, kid, you have the gift of stillness. You prefer to be in a C shape, whether lateral or backward, but all led by the whopping weight of a head that must contain the brains of a future Einstein. You are fascinated by shadow, light, windows and the occasional blank ceiling that I think you paint in your own mind. We speculate that a career in architecture may be in your future, that is how taken you appear with the structure of every room you visit. You cannot be commanded in any way, if the wall behind me is lit up, you will prefer it over any goo-goo or giggles. But when you do talk to us, it is in all seriousness, as if you bestow words of wisdom with your babbles. And you are babbling now, the cooing becomes less each day.
And at this point I have to mention the ceiling fan. When you are grown I am sure we will refer to ‘Fan’tasia…your first girlfriend and you will wonder what we speak of. Your crazy parents are referring to the Mission style ceiling fan (currently sans electrical wiring) that graces the Front room, aka New Baby Central since moving you out of Daddy and Mama’s room.
Ah, Fanny, how she fascinates you with her sleek dark arms extended and her iridescent glass winking down on you. How your gazes linger on her, we are quite unable to tear your attention away at times. You lay at her feet and smile and flirt, hence the reference to her as your girlfriend. I wonder if her lines are now etched in your little mind’s eyes, your first lesson in geometric shapes. We wonder what you will do on the day we finish her installation and those wonderful dark arms start spinning. Will it delight or confuse, or a little of both? This silly speculation is actually part of a bigger thing, the development of your minds. We witness daily the changes occurring in your ability to take in the environment. It is such an honor to observe and facilitate this, your perception and relationship to this world. The privilege and responsibility of parenting you two does not sit lightly on us, but is does sit easily.
And so we return to the idea of Instinct. Because we all have it,
maybe some more than others, maybe some listen to it better than others. With the encouragement of Tim and my Mom (who has successfully raised 8 children, I might add) I have tried to drop the expectation/anticipation/desire to have you both fit into a program and just started to listen to your needs as you develop into the individuals that you are and will be. I have begun to loosen my hold on the conviction that a short nap will result in stunted growth, to relax when you need me to hold you more on certain days, and to just stop wishing you would sleep through the night. Who needs sleep anyway, especially consecutive sleep of more than two hours? Overrated. I also folded and we ordered satellite TV (first time in years in our home) because I have only enough attention for 30 minute home shows and I absolutely love Little People, Big World.
Because of these decisions, the breathlessness has stopped being a factor. I have
found time to perform a Sun Salutation without regretting the time it is taking up. I have been able to sleep without mindless worries racing around the cranium. I think in other societies there was a circle of wisdom that was shared in the raising of their children, there was a wealth of information and experience that was shared and modeled directly, generationally. In our day, with the lack of extended family, the dearth of shared space and lives, we grasp at anything that will help us do this right. Magazines, books and passing advice is what is readily available, sometimes the only thing new parents have. But I have access to some of the greatest support and experience right here, in my own home. I have learned this month to trust that…trust Me more, listen carefully to the Instinct and listen carefully to my sons and their requests to be; be helped, be heard, just be. It does not mean I will do it any better than any other Mama out there, but I will do it with a guidance I felt lacking before because I was not listening to my Self.
I want to promise you both that I will try to stay in this, this new listening. That I will recall to breathe when things go haywire, when I cannot please you both at the same time, when I cannot get ‘things’ done. I want to promise to rest enough to come to you ready. I will try. And we will all be just fine.
Mama loves you, my baby boys. Every bit of this becomes more poignant as I realize that the time passing now will never be again. Onward to month four, let us see what it holds.
You see, it started with those dang baby magazines, with splashy ads and made up mommies, with tidbits of advice and catchy articles about how to make baby sleep. The message was that this parenting thing could be handled by perusing a scant 40 page mag on a monthly basis and, of course, getting the latest thing to help baby along. The glossiness of it all is so well packaged these days, you almost believe it. Not to sound too cynical, but these mags are better left in the waiting room at the O.B.’s. Wouldn’t you know Mama brought them all home. To my credit, I did not keep them all, just tore out the pages of the cutest stuff.
Well, then we moved on to the well-meaning books putting forth theories on the ‘right’ way to raise a baby. They claim there is a way to create the happiest,
cutest, calmest, smartest baby there could be. Oh, the books, they mean well, each author has walked the path of parenthood and has something to say, some sage advice that works, really works. They forget they base their work on their own personal instinct that bears their unique shape, form, and flavor of life. I cannot say that their methods do not work, but I cannot say that their methods do. I did not even know I was looking for an instruction manual until I picked up these books. I remember reading them before thinking, “This is so great! All I have to do is this and all will go well.” Such naiveté, to think raising a baby could be encompassed in a book.And then there is the Tribe. The Tribe that gathers when a new life comes here to us. This Tribe can be close family or it can be that random person in Costco. The people out there with words and words that tell you true to form every thing that went well and every thing that did not, every tip tried and every tip that failed for them. And the Tribe means so well, usually. They do not hear what they say when they say, “Oh, twins, that must be so hard. I cannot imagine. Etc, etc…“ or the comments of “Double trouble” or “Just you wait…“. The Tribe loves to talk and, at times, they hear not what they say.
The occasional whisper of ‘You will know what is right’ is voiced, but it can drown in the sea of advice, articles and information. It can be swept away by a culture of fear that tells you not to raise a clingy child, put a baby on their belly or touch the world out there without then sterilizing yourself before coming to your baby. Those whispers can be drowned by the swirls of thought that race round the mind saying, “I am not doing this right, I am fucking up something, I cannot do this, I do not know how.”
And then it can all be silenced by taking a deep breath and focusing…on your eyes, your softest cheek ever, the limbs that are growing and changing into sturdy little plump deliciousness that Mama gets to gobble on whenever she wants. And the breathlessness stops, and the breathing from the heart begins.
Books may say you are ‘Touchy’ or ‘Spirited’, but you are Mason to me, a person not a personality. I know you better each day. I know there are days when nap means Mama next to you with your hand clutching the neck of my shirt and your feet buried into the tummy with the soft stretched skin that once held you. There are days when you can lay and move for what seems forever, waving your tiny arms, white fisted at the ends, looking like you are driving a race car (as coined by a flickr viewer), giggling and chuckling and cooing away. And the ever-seeking of the thumb now, I watch as you get it, lose it, get it again and I see real consternation in your facial expression. And like your Mama, you smile all the time, whether you want to or not. I see it already, that you will walk like me through life, with that smile. It is not fake, but in some ways obligatory.
Books may say you are “Grouchy’ or ‘Sensitive’ but you are Owen to me. You can chill, kid, you have the gift of stillness. You prefer to be in a C shape, whether lateral or backward, but all led by the whopping weight of a head that must contain the brains of a future Einstein. You are fascinated by shadow, light, windows and the occasional blank ceiling that I think you paint in your own mind. We speculate that a career in architecture may be in your future, that is how taken you appear with the structure of every room you visit. You cannot be commanded in any way, if the wall behind me is lit up, you will prefer it over any goo-goo or giggles. But when you do talk to us, it is in all seriousness, as if you bestow words of wisdom with your babbles. And you are babbling now, the cooing becomes less each day.
And at this point I have to mention the ceiling fan. When you are grown I am sure we will refer to ‘Fan’tasia…your first girlfriend and you will wonder what we speak of. Your crazy parents are referring to the Mission style ceiling fan (currently sans electrical wiring) that graces the Front room, aka New Baby Central since moving you out of Daddy and Mama’s room.
Ah, Fanny, how she fascinates you with her sleek dark arms extended and her iridescent glass winking down on you. How your gazes linger on her, we are quite unable to tear your attention away at times. You lay at her feet and smile and flirt, hence the reference to her as your girlfriend. I wonder if her lines are now etched in your little mind’s eyes, your first lesson in geometric shapes. We wonder what you will do on the day we finish her installation and those wonderful dark arms start spinning. Will it delight or confuse, or a little of both? This silly speculation is actually part of a bigger thing, the development of your minds. We witness daily the changes occurring in your ability to take in the environment. It is such an honor to observe and facilitate this, your perception and relationship to this world. The privilege and responsibility of parenting you two does not sit lightly on us, but is does sit easily.
And so we return to the idea of Instinct. Because we all have it,
maybe some more than others, maybe some listen to it better than others. With the encouragement of Tim and my Mom (who has successfully raised 8 children, I might add) I have tried to drop the expectation/anticipation/desire to have you both fit into a program and just started to listen to your needs as you develop into the individuals that you are and will be. I have begun to loosen my hold on the conviction that a short nap will result in stunted growth, to relax when you need me to hold you more on certain days, and to just stop wishing you would sleep through the night. Who needs sleep anyway, especially consecutive sleep of more than two hours? Overrated. I also folded and we ordered satellite TV (first time in years in our home) because I have only enough attention for 30 minute home shows and I absolutely love Little People, Big World.Because of these decisions, the breathlessness has stopped being a factor. I have
found time to perform a Sun Salutation without regretting the time it is taking up. I have been able to sleep without mindless worries racing around the cranium. I think in other societies there was a circle of wisdom that was shared in the raising of their children, there was a wealth of information and experience that was shared and modeled directly, generationally. In our day, with the lack of extended family, the dearth of shared space and lives, we grasp at anything that will help us do this right. Magazines, books and passing advice is what is readily available, sometimes the only thing new parents have. But I have access to some of the greatest support and experience right here, in my own home. I have learned this month to trust that…trust Me more, listen carefully to the Instinct and listen carefully to my sons and their requests to be; be helped, be heard, just be. It does not mean I will do it any better than any other Mama out there, but I will do it with a guidance I felt lacking before because I was not listening to my Self. I want to promise you both that I will try to stay in this, this new listening. That I will recall to breathe when things go haywire, when I cannot please you both at the same time, when I cannot get ‘things’ done. I want to promise to rest enough to come to you ready. I will try. And we will all be just fine.
Mama loves you, my baby boys. Every bit of this becomes more poignant as I realize that the time passing now will never be again. Onward to month four, let us see what it holds.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Happenings
Things are running along over here in the Bean household. It was an adjustment after our trip, going back to daily life without Daddy. I tell you, there is just not enough time in the day (or night) and then there are times when the day drags so slowly (like the 630 p.m. baby meltdown time). But the Beans are doing nice napping now, for now, and I plan on taking advantage of this as often as possible.
I did finish the first set of baby legwarmers (by the way, this was an idea culled from some other web site but I have no idea whose). I did not immediately cast on for the second pair because I rummaged through my bag of knitted stuff and discovered a pre-birth project that seemed manageable. It is the NALGAR sweater as described in Knitting Workshop. I started it right before bringing the Beans into this world. I got a bit discouraged due to the way the sleeves were knitting up, and I mean UP.
But I was reassured by a lovely woman on the other end of the phone when I called Schoolhouse Press (do you not love knitters?) that the sleeves can be blocked down without issue. I have to proudly report I cast off the first sleeve a night ago (during a 3 hour black out in our neighborhood…praise be for my headlamp). And the second sleeve progresses and seems to be without issue. I love the way this sweater looks, it has a sporty-ness to it. I sized the chest to be roughly 20-21” which may correspond to a 1 ½ year old child, which works for me and possibly for them. It will be finished and then put away until proper fitting, but it feels really nice to work on it and it sticks with that commitment I made to tube shaped knitting. Clever, aren’t I?
I am finding that I am able to wrap my mind around non-baby thinking and reading, this may impress only myself, but I know a month ago the prospect of reading anything greater than a label on the baby lotion bottle gave me a headache.
The things that severe sleep deprivation can do to you….it is not pretty. I did not write during that time, I could not. It was like being numb all the time. I might post about it at some point, I know most new mamas out there understand and may be going through some of it right now and I will just say….It does get better. It may only be better for this time, this week, but I just want to spread reassurance to any out there needing some. I know I needed it and was looking for it. I am so lucky to have received it. So, hang in and try to just enjoy the bits of things. And choose a Mantra. Mine was, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” (Thanks Dr. Dyer) I am still saying it daily, but maybe not as desperately. And then kiss you baby (or in my case, babies’) soft cheek and downy hair and say a prayer of thanks for them and their deliciousness.
Quick side note: The rocking chair is crafted by Sam Maloof, a stellar woodworker. My mother works for him and his foundation, this was at the opening of a gallery on his property. I had to include it because there is a sleeping baby and the chair is just lovely.
I am not sure which way to venture in the knit world now. I love baby knits and I know they are so easy, but they are not very practical for the climate in which we reside. I cannot count on either boys being able to wear the stuff I am knitting, so I might scale way back on any plans I once had for sweaters, etc. for them. I do want to do the Tomtens, but will also hold off on these as I should not be even slightly be entertaining the idea of yarn purchasing/stash enhancement. I have so much on display that at times I feel guilty for even thinking of putting more dollars that way. I have seen some lovely versions of many of these patterns but hesitate because it would likely be out of season by the time I finished even the simplest of the patterns. Or maybe not, maybe I could cast on for this or this and even if it is finished in January, I could layer wear it. Hmmmm. Knits for mama? Dare I try? Ambitious, but I shall look through yarn I have and patterns I love with tube like construction and maybe just do it.
Oh yeah, knits will also have to compete with a bit of ‘Return to Work’ stuff. I am very lucky to work in the home care setting on a per diem basis, but I do have to work. It is odd to even consider patient care…I have been off since December due to the PTL. I am lucky to work for a company that is comprised mainly of Moms. Home care positions accommodate motherhood better than most, the flexibility and setting are what drew me to a change last year at this time. I used to work in the very intense field of Brain Injury/CVA Rehab, but I knew this would not be something I could resolve or give myself to after children. I watched a special on HBO titled Coma last night…it brought back so much of my last 9 working years. I started very early in the field of PT, at 21 I was working in a major trauma hospital with the acutely injured, then I moved to the inpatient rehabilitation setting and found great reward, but the biggest challenges also. The documentary brought a lot of people and places back to me…those I have met along my career path, those who struggled with the immensity of change and loss in their lives. It is a private world that is not often displayed in our society. Bob Woodruff brought some light to it in his special on the men of Iraq returning with devastating head injuries. A part of me, the part that knows I am very, very good at what I do, regrets and grieves that I am not longer part of the healing process in the lives of those going through the challenge of BI/CVA but another part knows I could not do my position justice at this point. I need to reserve my Self for my sons. It is lucky that I have this choice. When I do return to work it will be in the homes of my neighbors, the nearby towns…it will likely be with our aging population, whose needs vary greatly. But I will have the choice to say yes or no to the people I see, and this one cannot do in the field of Rehab. Let’s hope my newly recovered brain power will lend itself to filling out the tedious medical paperwork that comes along with the convenience of working from someone else’s home.
So, so far we have two almost completed knit projects (yeah, yeah, I have not woven in the four ends on the blegwarmers), the contemplation of an adult knitting pattern and the return to work, and…..one more happening…I finally got back on my bike. It has been since August last that I rode the singletrack/trail in our ‘backyard’ and oddly enough it was jut like…uh…getting back on a bike. Tim and I slipped away Sunday morning and rode the trail I know like the back of my hand. It felt so wonderful, exhilarating really. I was flying downhill, Tim commented I might have been going a tad too fast for my first ride back, but it felt so amazing. First time in almost a year that I have moved without either beings in me or attached to me. I mean, we hike and stroll the little guys, but certainly not at the speeds we were going. I thought I would share these pictures as they are something I really enjoyed.
Onward ho…next week is the three month mark for the Beans. And I hope to take a lot of pictures of the Beans with both my sisters in attendance, they are visiting this weekend. First time Owen and Mason will meet their Tanta Mem. Tanta Manders has not seen them since little days. What a special thing to look forward to…
I did finish the first set of baby legwarmers (by the way, this was an idea culled from some other web site but I have no idea whose). I did not immediately cast on for the second pair because I rummaged through my bag of knitted stuff and discovered a pre-birth project that seemed manageable. It is the NALGAR sweater as described in Knitting Workshop. I started it right before bringing the Beans into this world. I got a bit discouraged due to the way the sleeves were knitting up, and I mean UP.
But I was reassured by a lovely woman on the other end of the phone when I called Schoolhouse Press (do you not love knitters?) that the sleeves can be blocked down without issue. I have to proudly report I cast off the first sleeve a night ago (during a 3 hour black out in our neighborhood…praise be for my headlamp). And the second sleeve progresses and seems to be without issue. I love the way this sweater looks, it has a sporty-ness to it. I sized the chest to be roughly 20-21” which may correspond to a 1 ½ year old child, which works for me and possibly for them. It will be finished and then put away until proper fitting, but it feels really nice to work on it and it sticks with that commitment I made to tube shaped knitting. Clever, aren’t I?I am finding that I am able to wrap my mind around non-baby thinking and reading, this may impress only myself, but I know a month ago the prospect of reading anything greater than a label on the baby lotion bottle gave me a headache.
The things that severe sleep deprivation can do to you….it is not pretty. I did not write during that time, I could not. It was like being numb all the time. I might post about it at some point, I know most new mamas out there understand and may be going through some of it right now and I will just say….It does get better. It may only be better for this time, this week, but I just want to spread reassurance to any out there needing some. I know I needed it and was looking for it. I am so lucky to have received it. So, hang in and try to just enjoy the bits of things. And choose a Mantra. Mine was, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” (Thanks Dr. Dyer) I am still saying it daily, but maybe not as desperately. And then kiss you baby (or in my case, babies’) soft cheek and downy hair and say a prayer of thanks for them and their deliciousness.Quick side note: The rocking chair is crafted by Sam Maloof, a stellar woodworker. My mother works for him and his foundation, this was at the opening of a gallery on his property. I had to include it because there is a sleeping baby and the chair is just lovely.
I am not sure which way to venture in the knit world now. I love baby knits and I know they are so easy, but they are not very practical for the climate in which we reside. I cannot count on either boys being able to wear the stuff I am knitting, so I might scale way back on any plans I once had for sweaters, etc. for them. I do want to do the Tomtens, but will also hold off on these as I should not be even slightly be entertaining the idea of yarn purchasing/stash enhancement. I have so much on display that at times I feel guilty for even thinking of putting more dollars that way. I have seen some lovely versions of many of these patterns but hesitate because it would likely be out of season by the time I finished even the simplest of the patterns. Or maybe not, maybe I could cast on for this or this and even if it is finished in January, I could layer wear it. Hmmmm. Knits for mama? Dare I try? Ambitious, but I shall look through yarn I have and patterns I love with tube like construction and maybe just do it.
Oh yeah, knits will also have to compete with a bit of ‘Return to Work’ stuff. I am very lucky to work in the home care setting on a per diem basis, but I do have to work. It is odd to even consider patient care…I have been off since December due to the PTL. I am lucky to work for a company that is comprised mainly of Moms. Home care positions accommodate motherhood better than most, the flexibility and setting are what drew me to a change last year at this time. I used to work in the very intense field of Brain Injury/CVA Rehab, but I knew this would not be something I could resolve or give myself to after children. I watched a special on HBO titled Coma last night…it brought back so much of my last 9 working years. I started very early in the field of PT, at 21 I was working in a major trauma hospital with the acutely injured, then I moved to the inpatient rehabilitation setting and found great reward, but the biggest challenges also. The documentary brought a lot of people and places back to me…those I have met along my career path, those who struggled with the immensity of change and loss in their lives. It is a private world that is not often displayed in our society. Bob Woodruff brought some light to it in his special on the men of Iraq returning with devastating head injuries. A part of me, the part that knows I am very, very good at what I do, regrets and grieves that I am not longer part of the healing process in the lives of those going through the challenge of BI/CVA but another part knows I could not do my position justice at this point. I need to reserve my Self for my sons. It is lucky that I have this choice. When I do return to work it will be in the homes of my neighbors, the nearby towns…it will likely be with our aging population, whose needs vary greatly. But I will have the choice to say yes or no to the people I see, and this one cannot do in the field of Rehab. Let’s hope my newly recovered brain power will lend itself to filling out the tedious medical paperwork that comes along with the convenience of working from someone else’s home.
So, so far we have two almost completed knit projects (yeah, yeah, I have not woven in the four ends on the blegwarmers), the contemplation of an adult knitting pattern and the return to work, and…..one more happening…I finally got back on my bike. It has been since August last that I rode the singletrack/trail in our ‘backyard’ and oddly enough it was jut like…uh…getting back on a bike. Tim and I slipped away Sunday morning and rode the trail I know like the back of my hand. It felt so wonderful, exhilarating really. I was flying downhill, Tim commented I might have been going a tad too fast for my first ride back, but it felt so amazing. First time in almost a year that I have moved without either beings in me or attached to me. I mean, we hike and stroll the little guys, but certainly not at the speeds we were going. I thought I would share these pictures as they are something I really enjoyed.
Onward ho…next week is the three month mark for the Beans. And I hope to take a lot of pictures of the Beans with both my sisters in attendance, they are visiting this weekend. First time Owen and Mason will meet their Tanta Mem. Tanta Manders has not seen them since little days. What a special thing to look forward to…
Saturday, July 14, 2007
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming
We have knitting content. It is not much, but it is knitting. I had the chance to cast on and off on the simplest of projects…baby leg warmers. They are my new love.
Non-knit version: I improvised initially by ripping the seam out of some little Target knee highs and putting them on the boys upside down. Why?, you may ask. Well, we have so many 
onesies in their clothing repertoire, but we are sadly lacking in any pants. Baby pants seem to be hard to come by. And when they wear pants they look quite like little old men visiting from the Florida Keys. I am sure they prefer the leg warmers. It has been pretty hot around our parts, which insures the use of central air. We have a brand new system that cranks out deliciously cold air (with very efficient use of energy, I might add, as evidenced by our most recent electric bill. It was reasonable, a little God send in this one income for now family). Anyway, it helps to have something to slip on and off their plump little legs in order to dispel the chill. It got me thinking a bit ahead to cooler temperature times and I decided to try to knit something so….
Knit version: I mean, it could not have been any simpler. I had some lovely Calmer that was gifted to me the same week the Beans were born. Julia came by our little hospital room to meet both myself and the boys (Lord, that seems like a lifetime ago, does it not, Julia?) and in her generous spirit, left me with three balls of really lovely deep purple Calmer. And I have been checking it out in those few rare precious moments when my hands could fondle something other than baby skin. And Calmer is so soft. So I did it. I cast on 30 stitches on some random needle size (6..7?), did a twisted rib cuff
and was off to st-st heaven. It cannot even be called a pattern and my tension is so terrible (we watched Shooter during some of the knit time and I started to pull tighter because of the story line. Good flick, by the way). I dropped a stitch somewhere and decided “F*** it, I ain’t going back” and I just tied it off. Really, I did, people. Shoddy. But I finished it, one whole leg warmer in a size that will likely fit them in a few months. This is imperative to allow proper wear of seasonable knits. So, it now awaits its partner, who is currently on the needles. On the needles, people.
I just decided I had to knit. One stitch, two rows, a leg warmer…it does not really matter. The knitting feels so good, it feels like me, it does something to the psyche.
I know you who knit understand. And I don’t care that this project is beyond simple and, truly, may not fit them when they will actually need warm legs. I finished a piece, I will finish the next, I will cast on for the second pair (ahhh, twins, always trying to keep it equal). I may even try to make a bigger version for later in Winter (ahhh, Winter, when will she be here?). I have conceded that I will not be knitting sweaters anytime soon, I should not even entertain the ideas for projects that are not tube shaped right now. When I do re-enter that world, I already know what I want to do….the Tomten. Because look at this, they fit in it! And it is 95 degrees outside,
and they will not fit in it next week.(If you want to see the initial fit, you can click.) But the cuteness. So, it is a two year plan…I will make the toddler version for next next winter. Ha. That really takes the pressure off. I could even make the young adult/teen version, as that genius over at Brooklyntweed has done. But they likely would shun it as cheesy by that age. Toddler size should work as I can still forcibly dress them. (Rambling now, I think I may need some sleep, but it feels so good to write about knitting.)
One more little note…I have actually swatched for these planned Tomtens already…back in bed rest days. It is Morehouse Merino and the colors are so awesome. I did not buy
the yarn, I have no idea how to figure out how much I need and that yarn is not cheap. But the bones of the plan are in place, so this could actually happen. For now I am sticking to tubes, but there is a little spark of hope that has been kindled. I know now I have to turn off the laptop and pick up the needles to get the knits in, this was discovered up at the Cabin where we had no Net access. This here, it is just a little check-in, you know, to let folks now I can blog about something other than baby (Well, technically it is all about baby knits, but whatever.) The day the Tomten comes back into play on my needles I will blog and then rejoice. But this is in the future. For now I will leave you with a shot of the hike we did in the foothills today. Can you find the Meesh?
Author's Note: Yes, I know they are boys and yes, I know they will eventually want to kill me for putting them in leg warmers. But I don't care cause they are so durned cute.
Non-knit version: I improvised initially by ripping the seam out of some little Target knee highs and putting them on the boys upside down. Why?, you may ask. Well, we have so many 
onesies in their clothing repertoire, but we are sadly lacking in any pants. Baby pants seem to be hard to come by. And when they wear pants they look quite like little old men visiting from the Florida Keys. I am sure they prefer the leg warmers. It has been pretty hot around our parts, which insures the use of central air. We have a brand new system that cranks out deliciously cold air (with very efficient use of energy, I might add, as evidenced by our most recent electric bill. It was reasonable, a little God send in this one income for now family). Anyway, it helps to have something to slip on and off their plump little legs in order to dispel the chill. It got me thinking a bit ahead to cooler temperature times and I decided to try to knit something so….
Knit version: I mean, it could not have been any simpler. I had some lovely Calmer that was gifted to me the same week the Beans were born. Julia came by our little hospital room to meet both myself and the boys (Lord, that seems like a lifetime ago, does it not, Julia?) and in her generous spirit, left me with three balls of really lovely deep purple Calmer. And I have been checking it out in those few rare precious moments when my hands could fondle something other than baby skin. And Calmer is so soft. So I did it. I cast on 30 stitches on some random needle size (6..7?), did a twisted rib cuff
and was off to st-st heaven. It cannot even be called a pattern and my tension is so terrible (we watched Shooter during some of the knit time and I started to pull tighter because of the story line. Good flick, by the way). I dropped a stitch somewhere and decided “F*** it, I ain’t going back” and I just tied it off. Really, I did, people. Shoddy. But I finished it, one whole leg warmer in a size that will likely fit them in a few months. This is imperative to allow proper wear of seasonable knits. So, it now awaits its partner, who is currently on the needles. On the needles, people. I just decided I had to knit. One stitch, two rows, a leg warmer…it does not really matter. The knitting feels so good, it feels like me, it does something to the psyche.
I know you who knit understand. And I don’t care that this project is beyond simple and, truly, may not fit them when they will actually need warm legs. I finished a piece, I will finish the next, I will cast on for the second pair (ahhh, twins, always trying to keep it equal). I may even try to make a bigger version for later in Winter (ahhh, Winter, when will she be here?). I have conceded that I will not be knitting sweaters anytime soon, I should not even entertain the ideas for projects that are not tube shaped right now. When I do re-enter that world, I already know what I want to do….the Tomten. Because look at this, they fit in it! And it is 95 degrees outside,
and they will not fit in it next week.(If you want to see the initial fit, you can click.) But the cuteness. So, it is a two year plan…I will make the toddler version for next next winter. Ha. That really takes the pressure off. I could even make the young adult/teen version, as that genius over at Brooklyntweed has done. But they likely would shun it as cheesy by that age. Toddler size should work as I can still forcibly dress them. (Rambling now, I think I may need some sleep, but it feels so good to write about knitting.)
One more little note…I have actually swatched for these planned Tomtens already…back in bed rest days. It is Morehouse Merino and the colors are so awesome. I did not buy
the yarn, I have no idea how to figure out how much I need and that yarn is not cheap. But the bones of the plan are in place, so this could actually happen. For now I am sticking to tubes, but there is a little spark of hope that has been kindled. I know now I have to turn off the laptop and pick up the needles to get the knits in, this was discovered up at the Cabin where we had no Net access. This here, it is just a little check-in, you know, to let folks now I can blog about something other than baby (Well, technically it is all about baby knits, but whatever.) The day the Tomten comes back into play on my needles I will blog and then rejoice. But this is in the future. For now I will leave you with a shot of the hike we did in the foothills today. Can you find the Meesh? 
Author's Note: Yes, I know they are boys and yes, I know they will eventually want to kill me for putting them in leg warmers. But I don't care cause they are so durned cute.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
We're Back!
We made it back, all accounted for. It was just about the most fulfilling and awesome (and somewhat exhausting) trip we have ever taken. It started out so well with the beans taking the 5 hour car ride in stride, very little seems to faze these guys and we are finding it is all in the timing. As long as we are in the vicinity of a sit down restaurant/travel stop within 15 minutes of a feed time, well, we are gold. And the elevation did not seem to do any damage either up or down, likely because they were furiously sucking on their 'goat teats'. We remembered all essential baby items, but I did discover that in my fervor to pack for the little guys, I overlooked a few items for Mama, namely all of my grooming supplies including hair pick, face lotion and wash, and, oh I don't know, clothes for me. Just kidding about the last thing, but it was a lesson in how much things change after babies. I have never forgotten my beauty bag before as it is tantamount to sacrilege to not wash my face at night and apply the elixir of the goddesses, Aveda's Botanical Kinetics hydrating face lotion. Found out Cetaphil works just as well (we may have to downgrade anyway as the budget does not seem to want to fit lotion and diapers in the same tally). Ah well, I had a good run of it while it lasted.
Anyway, the lake itself was as it always is, serene and soul filling. It is just one of those places. I really think the boys felt the same as we do. They ate al fresco and napped on blankies lakeside. 
They experienced the world of hiking from the perspective of a baby bjorn and found it agreeable. Mishka was able to come along on the trip and was thrilled. She had a lovely time with swimming and walking and frolicking in the woods surrounding the cabin. It was good to be able to include her but we quickly discovered she adds up to Baby Number Three when she wants to be ornery. Oddly enough she has learned to make these times coincide with feeding time with the boys. Can't say shepherds are not smart dogs.
The thing I found the most wonderful was the undivided time we spent with the boys. Tim has not been able to be home daily since the first week. He, as so many other dads in the world, had to go back to work. Essential as it is that we have an income, it breaks my heart that he misses so much time with them. This week allowed him days of uninterrupted time with them, and as demanding as it is, it is also so rewarding. 
We work really well as a team and found we even had some down time to rest on the porch with a cold Corona in hand, rocking and talking quietly, catching up, in a way.It was good to 'unplug' from the world and gather our little family close and just bond again. He is such a strong partner and has an unbelievably easy way with the boys. And he is able to react calmly to their occasional screaming fits, something Mama cannot quite do yet. And he let Mama drive when she wanted to escape the back seat, willingly playing the role of entertainment to the Beans during those car seat rides that do not always go so smoothly. I tell you, some wonderful deity was looking out for me when they brought that man into my life.
Another thing I found refreshing was the reaffirmation that we can do things. Many people have commented to us how much our lives would change when these guys arrived. We are well-known in our circles for being travelers, whether in or out of country.
We love to camp, move around and explore. Well, the camping is on hold for a bit (we are not that ambitious), the moving is over (home ownership calmed the gallivanting) but the exploration does not have to end. It just has to change. It has to accommodate. And we are finding out it can. There are a lot of sacrifices one makes in parenting, but I was hoping it would not mean abandoning our life style. It is a simple life style and the things we love are easily accessed, a good trail or a blanket on the grass. I am glad so far that the Beans seem to enjoy these things.
We watched their gazes as they tried to focus on the many trees and sparkling lake and just took in the new surroundings. We brought them to our cove where they napped easily and wet their little toes a bit in the water. And though they were asleep, they even attended their first 4th of July fireworks. We now know these boys could sleep through the 'bombs bursting in air' when they are really tired. We shared a part of our lives with them that now will become intrinsic to theirs. It is such a feeling, this family thing. We look forward to more trips, more fun, more experiences with the Beans. Yay, Team Yatez!
Monday, July 02, 2007
We're Off!
Family Bean will be attempting our first trip starting tomorrow...it is highly anticipated and probably will be a singular experience. Tim and I have been visiting our family cabin in the Sierras forever, now the Beans will get their first taste. Wish us luck!
Sun protection, check! 10 million other essential items, check (I think!) Nearest Target is down in the valley so we better bring all the dipes and wipes and formula we can!
Sun protection, check! 10 million other essential items, check (I think!) Nearest Target is down in the valley so we better bring all the dipes and wipes and formula we can!
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