32.

Thirty two things I will do, if not in the next 32 months, then at least within my next 32 years.

1. Make the Easy Lap Quilt from Angry Chicken's book using my Heather Ross fabric swatch.
2. Lose the 10 pounds I gained post-partum. Yep, gained.
3. Do at least one headstand a day to receive the benefits of yogic inversions.
4. Travel with the boys to the place where we made them. Canada, that is, eh?
5. Snowboard on a fresh powder day on the slopes of Mammoth.
6. Take very deep breathes when needing to renew my spirits.
7. Reinstate long daily walks with the boys.
8. Bring my reusable grocery bags to the store at least 95% of the time, and if I do not, insist on carrying items out without bags.
9. Help out another mama-of-multiples the way so many other mamas have helped me.
10. Use some yarn stash for unique and simple gifts for family/friends.
11. Stop thinking I can do it all, stop trying to justify not being able to.
12. Get a real haircut.
13. Eat more green food, try to get fresh juices into my daily regimen.
14. Assist Tim in making matching furniture for our bedroom.
15. Knit this sweater despite the fact that I live in a climate that will afford little wear.
16. Move to a climate where I can wear it (maybe). (The move, I mean).
17. Buy pants that fit correctly and get them tailored to the correct length if they do not.
18. Learn how to properly use my mother's sewing machine.
19. Clean the floors of the house more often.
20. Write to my friends in NY and Ireland.
21. Start and finish reading a book.
22. Retain some information from said book after the completion of reading.
23. Go to Church to renew that feeling I once had as a child... that feeling of awe.
24. Visit my Opa in Holland with my husband and children.
25. Let go of wrecked nap times when they occur.
26. Send my parents on an all-expenses paid weekend away...or at least pay for their gas when they drive to see my other siblings.
27. Shoot the boys in a studio setting with black and white real film.
29. Stop watching inane TV.
30. Maybe just stop watching TV altogether. Except Pushing Daisies and The Office.
31. Raise beautiful baby boys.
32. Kiss my love every single day and thank the Source for my life as it is and as it can be.

Not too daunting, not to impossible...let us see how it goes, eh?

(I was supposed to be a Halloween baby but I just could not wait the extra 6 days. I am still kicking myself.)

Sixth Month

The weird thing is I cannot stop thinking you have been here half a year. The year thing is relative, half the time I cannot figure out what I have done for the last 4 or 5, when things happened, etc. but this half year, your half year birthday, I am pretty sure I will remember it. This month marked some new happenings, new experiences. I finally ventured into the world of the MOM (moms of multiples) group with the encouragement of my wonderful triplet mom friend, I went back to a semblance of work, I watched you as your new eating skills unfolded and we took an extended car ride to the beautiful Lake Tahoe.

The first happening with the twin mom thing could not have had better timing. I was a bit apprehensive at the meet up, unsure of where I might fit, what might be asked, if I would be the one mama with little ones and everyone else would be discussing their toddlers. It was an opportune night to join them because though the majority of mamas were way past our stage I ended up meeting Amanda, another mama with boy/girl twins just a month ahead of you two. It was her first visit too and We quickly fell into deep and serious discussion about sleeping and feeding and play issues, all of it making absolute sense to the other. She gave me such great encouragement and support, and hope, oh sweet hope that the introduction of rice cereal into your cute little bellies might spell some more and better sleep for the whole family.

And meeting up with these mamas made me realize how very different my experience is. I try not to think of myself as ‘special’ or ‘different’
in this journey of motherhood. I read other blogs of new mamas and sometimes marvel at their productivity and sometimes despair at my lack of it. And then, the realization hits….uh, I have two babies. Two. At the same time. And that makes me different. I have yet to find a blog out there of another mama raising 6 month old twins…I wish I could. But meeting Amanda has been a great way to connect to another person in the same experience as myself….and a great reminder that I am not any other mama than the one I am.

The food thing, well, it is working. We are working on it. I was unsure if 5 months was the right time, but watching you two sit in your seats at the end of the table while the big persons ate, making chewing motions as we gobbled what we could in our allotted hands free time, well, it convinced me it was time. As with any new parent embarking on the next step, I cautiously measured and doled out the organic brown rice cereal from our local market, carefully placed two different spoons of contrasting colors, carefully placed you in your captain chairs with trays and extra spoons for your banging pleasure. Then of course, pandemonium broke loose as I tried to solo feed two unschooled hungry and not quite cooperative babies their first meals of what daddy fondly refers to as ‘cardboard’. I am happy to report the feeding/food thing is getting easier. Mason, you are a champ with the spoon, all smiles until the real hunger pains strike or you get a glimpse of the bottle. Owen, not so much, you have that classic face of disgust that one can see so often on America’s Funniest Home Videos…but you do eat. And your reactions are the exact opposite than I anticipated. Funny, how you always keep me guessing. I worry that it is too early, I worry that I am doing it wrong, and then I give it up to god, you know, whichever one it is that is listening that day.

Work, ah, work. What an interesting conundrum. Because I love it. I love the validation that comes from my ability to perform a non-mama related task. I do it almost automatically, all the years of experience come into play and allow me to do it…and enjoy it. But in the back of my mind I am rushing home to find out how you are, what you did, did you eat??? Yadda, yadda, and I have only been gone for an hour or two. There were many years when working was just a chore, now it is a reward. I make a bit of a difference in the lives of the people I see, I contribute to the household and I get out of the house. And getting out of the house is tantamount to a treat. Interesting, how being your mama pulls me in so many ways, in different directions and realizations and desires and choices. But always being pulled.

I am making a resolution to do this. I need to release some fears and heavy weights that have followed me, even before you two came to me. I want to come cleansed and renewed to all your days. When I first read Jen’s blog entry I remember thinking this is what I need. It has been really up and down in my emotional world lately, one minute I feel capable and the next I want to run. The future occasionally seems so daunting with all the things that you will need and that you do need now. I have never felt so out of my element. But I know these feelings are normal (well, sometimes I do. Other times I am convinced PPD is looming right around the corner). And I try to remind myself I am pretty darn new at this, the whole self sacrifice thing, 24 hour duty thing, the whole mama thing. There are some really great bloggers that approach these feelings and their challenges head on in writing, for that I am truly grateful. Because it is not all happiness and light…but it sure is worth all of it when I get those smiles and feel those sweet plump arms that circle my neck now when I pick you both up.

How the time flows is really up to how I think about it. If I let it go, let the hard parts go, accept that I will have spit up on every item of clothing by 5 p.m., that one of you will have a melt down at some point in the next 24 hour period, that I will likely have a few brief moments of respite while you peacefully nap together (during which time I sometimes do this, but other times just sit there thinking of what I could/should be doing), well, that is when things go okay. If I fight it, well, that is when they do not. And the reminder that this is the only time I will get to see you like this, in this state, well, it is bittersweet. I thought when I was stroking your velvety heads the other night….you will never be this small again,
I will not get another chance to feel you in this state ever again. You will keep growing, shedding babyness and gaining boyness, leaving me with vauge memories of blurry days and nights. Already I cannot really remember what it was like at the start. That is why these posts to you continues, even when I feel tapped out. I know I must for you, for me, for us.

Owen, you fell in love with your doggy this month.
You started to notice her, then you could not take your eyes off of her. You watched as she fetched, as she jumped, as she got close and tried to lick you (yeah, mama is not ready for that yet). But you are enraptured by her. I know you have your daddy’s genes, though your looks mirror not his face, because you love that animal in a way only he understands. And Mace, my sweet baby Mason, something has mellowed in you. Your feisty bits have smoothed, your smiles grow larger and so genuine, your industriousness and independence keeps developing. You are content to be in one spot, unlike your brother who struggle to MOVE and move now, you sit and play, patiently exploring the varied aspects of your closest toy. And still you ‘teach’ each other your latest. I could not describe the yoga fish move you now both practice so I will just have to capture it in a photo…and do not worry, readers, they have yet to break their necks. Believe me, at first I worried but powerless to stop them, well, I just learned to watch in awe as they explore all that their little bodies can do.


Now we are embarking on the second half of your first year here…we have so many things to do and try and be. It is daunting and exciting. I have made it this far with the two of you intact…guess I have not screwed up too badly yet. But just know that when I do, because I will; when I try new things with you that do not work or you do not like, or let you get a bump because I was not vigilant enough, or drag you to one too many outings because I have to get out of the house….just know your mama loves you and is trying her very best.

I will always try my very best. And I will always love you more than any other because you are mine and I am yours. Kisses, baby Beans.

Bits and Pieces

I thought I would try to compose a post with some knitting content, but there is a pitifully small amount to post in this category, somehow time just rarely permits the luxury of casting on for projects that I dream of. I did get the chance to shop a bit at Loopy, a little knitting store in the village where we stayed. Tahoe was a wonderful break,
but not a respite, not with two babies. They are always very well-behaved when we drop in/out of stores and it was no exception on this trip. The shop itself was charming and well stocked and I found some lovely Malabrigo to knit the So Called Scarf as inspired by Jane over at Yarnstorm (a storm of interesting dialogue surrounds her current publication, but that is a whole different post. Sufficed to say, her book on the domestic arts has sparked some controversy across the pond....I cannot wait to get my hands on it.)(Really, domestic arts can spark controversy? Huh.) Anyway, the Malabrigo is a very pleasing colorway of chocolatey browns and some pretty blue tossed in. I am loving the simplicity of the pattern and the quickness of the progress, a must these days to keep me encouraged to move on with things.


The picture of Tim and Mason features their wonderful faces (isn't it always a pleasure to see a Daddy with his little one(s). But if you peek towards his head, you can make out his Shedir. I cast on not too long before our trip and was pleasantly surprised with myself when I cast off right before we hopped in the Subi for the night ride up to Tahoe (no knitting done because it was dark, but some sleeping ensued). I am completely enamoured of the Shedir pattern and plan on making the Beans a set of their own so we can model them in our Christmas pictures...if I can find mine. I hate misplacing important hand knitted pieces...but I am hoping it pops up as we are having a 'cold' spell of weather in the 70s. Brrr.

And of course, to round out all that exciting knitting content, I must add the latest pictures of the boys at play. They basically live on their stomachs now, rolling and squinching up their legs, flipping themselves over unexpectedly and getting tangled up in chair legs or backed up against walls. No real crawling, but plenty of movement (from which always huge amounts of baby barf ensue, which require constant clean up. Ugh). They are keeping us running, and therefore, much too busy to finish, much less start all those knits that live in my head.

Lately I have spent a good portion of computer time reading up on all the blogs I love and lately the writing has been amazing. My favorite Momma Rae has some amazing insights into her life and times....there is Yarnstorm, the blog I mentioned earlier...well, so very many. This post was really endearingly beautiful as a show of sisterhood and love, read it if you get a moment...and Ava, if you are reading, I just finally got into the Manos I bought from you way back when Destash was still around. Well, got into it then frogged it, but it gave me some great ideas, just knitting the bit I did with it. Happy Bday, your sis said it so well.

Not much else to report. Think I will go back to reading for awhile. Cheers, all.

Tahoe

just trying out a flickr tool for photos. we spent last weekend at lake tahoe with my mom and the beans. first trip there, intended to let daddy ride his downhill trails before winter set in. of course, winter came a little early in the form of a quick october storm that was over before we arrived, but left snow and chilly temps. it was cozy though, and by sunday the days was blue and beautiful. it felt really good to get up and go, tahoe is one of our favorite california gems. we even found a yarn store in the village of northstar at tahoe. had to pick up a little yummy malabrigo (sorry, no pictures yet) for the so-called scarf. what do you think of the boys' knitted jeans (from last minute knitted gifts)? they seem to like them. i apologize to all the knitters reading for the unsightly unfinished crotch area on owen's jeans, mama just did not get around to proper finishing. smiles to all. prolonged periods of silence here just tend to mean things are too wild to post, but i am reading ya'll and loving living vicariously through your crafting and lives. smiles.